2- Physical abuse, emotional effect: SANDHYA, KANGAN AND SCHOOL FRIENDS

 Generally if you ask anyone about best days of their lives, reply comes as, school days or childhood days, but there were few incidents which mark an unforgettable imprint on our minds which we tend to forget and skip to share even with our own concise and so we forget it eventually. But, for an intensely emotional boy like me incidents  use to become impossible to forget, that too, when they are related to intense mental and emotional involvement.
After leaving Bahraich, we came to Ballia and started living in a colony beside the famous Bhrigu temple of the city. The first incident is related to my 5th birthday which was also the first in my hometown. All the relatives were called for the occasion and a good number gathered for the day at our village home in Bailadih. As every child use to be, I was very excited for the day and gifts. One of my cousin sister Sandhya was also there. She was at least 10 years older than me that time and we used to play with each other a lot. Two days prior to my birthday, everyone was out for preparations when I was playing with others of my age. Sandhya called me and said that she is getting bored alone and wants to play with me. I didn't want to play because I was doing pretty good in hide and seek with my friends and it was my turn to search others now, about which I was excited. She forced that if I won't play she will leave right then and never return. On hearing this I agreed and we started playing ludo. It was month of October and the weather was awesome neither hot nor cold. Cool breeze was blowing from the window which she ordered me to close and I followed. After some time she removed her top complaining that it's hot, on which I suggested to open the window which she denied. When I lost my first square she ordered me to remove my clothes too. On listening this I hesitated and tried to escape, but in vein, as door was locked already. Knowing that I won't do it she started doing it herself, I was struggling continuously to escape and crying. Suddenly she slapped me hard with all force she had, and may be because of the anguish she was feeling at that time. I felt her 5 fingers on my cheek burning. I stopped crying but can't control sobbing. She did whatever she could to force me amuse her which I followed, fearing that I may get another slap like that if not followed. By the time she was done with it, I also stopped sobbing, why, I don't remember. She asked me to promise not to discuss it with anyone even with my parents, else they will also beat me for the same. I promised her not to do so, which is broken now. My birthday came, I got many gifts but was not happy.

I joined a boys school in my city and as I have told you that my mother takes care of it a lot that I look best in the bunch unknown that it has it's problems as well. I was one of the smartest in my school, not in studies, but by looks and by the merits of excuses I used to have for skipping classes and not completing my home work. My teachers beat me almost every day as it was a school famous for it's discipline. In that disciplined crowd I was the one revolutionary and used to pay for those little revolutions as I paid for my looks and tidiness too. In my school there were no girls, so good looking boys used to be targets of the bullies. I was one of there prime target and suffered thoroughly throughout my schooldays. Now I wish that I meet them once and then I will teach them how it feels to be pinched always unreasonably. But it can be understood that it was not them at fault, it's the suppression of their inborn feelings, suppressed under strict regulations of our boys school.

Now I will tell you the prime incident I remember of my early days which drew an impact on my mind about how we think of sexuality and love as an inherent part of it. That was my cousin brother's marriage in the nearby town of Gazipur. On the outskirts of Gazipur and Balia there is a village named Tajpur Dehma, my cousin's village, where we visited for the marriage. I was 13 years old by then and it was year 1999. Though I was still in that same boy's school I have learnt a lot about girl's in these days from my friends who have stopped pinching me because that boy with all the cuteness and charm had been converted into a prime member of a bully group. Amit was chief of us who used to explain about girls in such a way that our eyes remain open throughout, and he gets rewarded by the best lunchbox to eat. I also feel excited when we used to talk about fantasies with various famous actresses of the time. Those were the days when we can't even think in our fantasies about the girls around us and the reason was the strict conservative thinking of not only our school but the whole city in which I was. Everyday we hear that this and that were loving each other and got savagely slain by there own parents, which not even came in news, to public. So there was no scope for love in the school as it was a boy's.

As my cousin was from my maternal half I came to meet with many new people who were there for the marriage from his parental side. There were few girls too, about which obviously I was excited. Endowed with the everlasting cuteness, thanks to God and my parents I was a central point of concern among the girls gathered there. One girl from the bunch was Kangan who seem good and interesting enough for me, to be interested in her.She had bright white skin and in spite of living in village, which generally crushes all youth charms, she looked quite rejuvenating. Our feelings for each other was visible to everyone and we often got taunts like (lagta hain inki shadi karani hi padegi) 'looks like they'll have to be married'. There was no need to say anything like, I like you or love you to each other, we were aware of it. There was one night when we got a chance to sleep side by side with few other relatives sleeping nearby. It happened so that I used to sleep everyday in the same room, but she slept in another one. That night she suddenly came in  the room where I was sleeping and slept in the other corner. It was the month of December and winter was on full blossom. we were in our respective blankets and three other relatives were sleeping in between. Those three were looking like three monsters of any devil story that day or peaks of highest mountains impossible to cross. Thinking of it that why she came in my room and how will I reach to her I don't know when I fell asleep. Around 1 am at night I awoke sensing that somebody is pinching me continuously. When I turned over, it was Kangan pinching me, I was shocked and nearly shouted that how you crossed three of them but controlled. She asked me, "Do you like me?" and with no surprises I answered in yes. We kissed each other passionately for so many times that it felt like forever. We were in each others arm and the month felt like of June which you know was of December. What next? All the fantasies were there in front of me to fulfill and no one to stop. I asked her to come in my blanket, so she did. I was feeling every bit of her, it was like the best game I had ever played, and you must know that I was a freak for games. We were about to move on with it, where all barriers brake. I leave rest of it to your imagination how I must be feeling at that time. Just then Kangan asked me something. I have already told you that I was best in making excuses in my school. Still I was unable to do the same in answer of her question. I just had to tell a lie, which I have spoken a thousand times at least now, to various girls. But that night in answer of that question I was unable to say anything. I still remember that hardest question till date I have faced in my life, she asked a question which may be every down to earth and simple village girl will ask in exchange of everything she had to give me at that moment. Kanchan asked, " Will you marry me?" I don't know what happened to me I was not able to utter a single word. It was not like impossible to marry her but something inside me knew that it won't be possible as my parents have better dreams for me.Today I have married various times just like that, and those marriages have no meaning as I am no more with those girls but at that moment I was unable to say, Yes, i will. I was unable to lie to that innocence, ready to do whatever I wanted just in exchange of a word, Yes.  I replied, " I have to go to bathroom." She moved aside and I went out of the room. It was chilly out there and after the hot encounter I had, it felt even chillier. I went to bathroom and on return slept beside my father in the room next to the one Kangan was waiting for me, for my answer. Next morning I woke up late,I saw her helping her mother in preparations. I ignored her and joined my friends. Marriage was over, I came back to Ballia, in school, fantasizing about girls with my friends but there was one difference now, I was providing few details which they were shocked to listen and concerned to know how I knew all this. Amit was envy, and best lunchbox was mine now. Kangan got married eventually and is mother of two cute baby girls now, as I use to hear about her time to time from those three relatives who were sleeping between me and her, that night .