7- There is no hero in this story- (AARTI & GROUP)

If you are thinking that I am writing all this to prove that how much I had been molested and suffered through people's hand or to justify myself by any means or proving myself even a good person, soon you got to change your views about all this. You can consider me a villain too. But my one and only aim here is to write all of my experiences truly, to make you understand how life treats an individual since it's childhood, and makes him/her wise and fool about things. It's not an individual who is at wrong or right it's his or her circumstances forcing to do what he/she does.

I gave my final exams for 3rd year graduation and was completely idle now. Though I had accepted that Ashiya was no more there to connect, the habit of talking on phone for hours and hours to her was killing me. I was used to live alone and not to see or talk for hours to anyone as you know, but earlier. Past few months in Allahabad were so active, full of fun, pain, pleasure love and lust that this lonesomeness was killing me. There was nothing now, not even that wait on my window on which I spent hours. Our new home was a two bedroom apartment with no windows to open on any of the road, though it was near to our previous house.

In our coaching there were few other ones of our group who were in contact with me. Aarti was one of that. She was short height, slim, average looking girl. I never noticed her individually, beside the fact that she used to provide her scooty for few of our rides, on request by Ashiya. She was of jolly nature and above par caring, which I realized, as she began talking to me a bit after that whole Ashiya episode. She used to tell me that Ashiya had links with few other boys too, on listening of which I scolded her once ( I still remembered the way Ashiya had said I love you and will never forget you, on that ricksaw that day). But soon I understood that what Aarti was saying could be true, even though that not changed my belief that Aashiya loved me, may be just for things I did, and more than that for things I didn't. In spite of all these wise thoughts I was unable to stop condemning myself for the fact that why I left anything to do at all, I should have done that, 'THAT'.

I was 21 years old now,a feeling entirely unknown and new was creeping in. The physical one. May be it was also after effects of denying the offer earlier. Everything was making me sick, somehow or the other. In the meantime, Aarti and me came closer, one of the main reason for which was, those lengthy conversations on phone, in which she used to sympathies me a lot. It was soothing and relaxing that someone cares for you and what you feel. Another reason was that on phone you can't see the person you are talking to. Aarti was a jolly girl and she had told me that she had a boyfriend. They were apart now but she still missed the boy who was muslim and because of which her srivastava family was unable to accept it.

I planned a visit soon to Allahabad for obvious reasons. I called Aarti one day, to meet and talk when no one was there beside my younger cousin at my uncle's home. Everyone else was on a trip for attending a marriage, given that I take care of my cousin and house. I was free to meet anyone and do anything. Aarti came and we were chatting on various things during which both of us realized something, can't tell today what was that, but that was something. She was looking average as always, still good enough. I asked my cousin to go market and bring some vegetables so that Aarti can make food for us which he followed. As soon as he was out of the house I grabbed Aarti. I was not in love with her, she knew that. I knew that too. And we did it. It was the same boy remember, who denied doing it just on a question that weather I ll marry the girl, denied again to one as it not seemed safe, Unable to propose a girl he loved passionately. Anyway, I was relaxed instantly, unknown to how it worked. 

She also introduced me to some of her friends. Reeti and Savita, among whom I remember. I had grown in confidence about my charm and ability, to impress anyone through it till then. Aarti was friend with both these girls for 15 years since her school days. One day when I was trying to make her understand that It's easy to fall in love with me for her as I am capable of making anyone do so with my charm and cleaver talks she challenged me that if I Made her friends fall for me she will never question my abilities and will not blame me for not loving her, as she does to me. I accepted, and it took 2 months after which both the girls accepted my proposal. That too in spite of knowing that I was also involved with their other two friends. They stopped talking to each other. Believe me I am not boasting here which it seems like, it actually happened which even I was doubtful of. Aarti accepted her defeat soon. There 15 years friendship was no match for my tricks.

I came back Ballia soon. Aarti kept talking to me and saying that she loved me. I told her that we had no future as our casts are different and more than that I never loved her. She asked once then why I did that day? I had no answers. She cut her wrist once and was admitted in hospital, tried to convince me of her love by trying to give away her life if I won't accept. Still I knew I won't be able to love her. All this suicide stuff not changed my view, other than about one thing , I started feeling guilty of what happened that day. The same Aarti who was soothing because she felt my pain earlier was entirely unknown to it now. I was doomed again and lost. That guilt that I did wrong with her, as she said, was with me for a long time. I blamed myself many a times for everything bad happened to me because of that incident. She agreed that we will be friends always and kept trying to convince me for her love too. Often she blamed me and said that I won't be happy ever as I was the first with whom she did it and the last. She won't marry now and will condemn me too, for it. Still we were friends.

Up to 2010 December, I and Aarti was in contact till that day when she called me and said, "Deepak I don't blame you for anything. I know you feel guilty for that always, but you should not. It was not the first time for me. I lied to you. I always want to see you happy. I am getting married." I was stunned. That guilt I blamed for four years was just a lie. Still composed myself. I replied, " Thank's yaar. You are an angel, I am quite relieved now. Congratulations for your marriage" She thanked and hung up. I smirked, she not knew how many such guilts I had till then.

I appeared in exams for Masters with English Literature in University of Allahabad. First time in my life I studied hard, for it's preparations. Just 15 days of study and I got selected for admission. I left Ballia. Took a room in Allahabad. A new phase of my life was about to start. I knew now, people are not as they appear. You even can't understand anyone, as they also keep changing with time. Your own feelings about things change, which even you, yourself can't understand, forget justifying them. I was mastering in behaving with people according to them, changing myself altogether. It was becoming another of my tool to impress. I was growing wise, deprived of love, with which my heart was full for anyone to take. I wanted to love someone and to be loved. True love.