9- I too had a love story, may be - PRIYA (ROLI) (2)

I still remember my first meeting to Roli in Dehradun in October, 2007 . After the evening, I had to drop her to her hostel after meeting in Buddha temple. Her hostel was a few meters walk from the road where Auto dropped us. We walked that road hand in hand, most of the time looking into each other's eyes. I was not comfortable in it as her friends and my cousin was right behind us, then she said to me, Are you afraid of people to know that we love each other? I grabbed her even closer to me and replied, no I was just saving our love from people's evil eyes, it creates bad impact sometime. She said, don't you worry darling, I always wear kaajal, it will not happen. She loved to show it that we were so perfect a couple for each other. She even called me that day to cross in front of her P.G., so that her friends could also see me, I followed and noticed that she was with her friends in balcony of her room, proudly showing me to one of her friend even waved at me and I did the same. But all the time crossing that road in front of her balcony (as I was in love with watching her in balconies) in spite of so many girls to distract, my eyes were glued on her.

In September 2008, probably my 10th visit to Dehradun in one year, I went to meet her. She had taken a P.G. as You know already, by the excuse that we can meet even easily by this, when I reached there, opposite to that happened. She told me that she can't meet in hotel and can not come for the stay as her friends were there in another P.G. and even her room partner, what will she say to them. I was dumbstruck. I went there traveling 20 hours, spending my one month's allowance, and all of it with her acceptance too, just to know that we can't meet like that. Then how will we meet, I asked. She replied, Come to our friend's room and we will enjoy there together. I agreed. I went there and had a good time with them. They were also keen to make me comfortable. On there request I also cooked as Roli had told them that I am good at it. Two days I stayed with those boys and then left for home in a bitter mood.

In few days she told me that she visited with her room partner to those boy's room as all of them were friends and her room partner was girl friend of one of the boy as well. I didn't like it much that she is going on boy's room, but said nothing. I still had that same typical middle class boy mentality, over protective. Soon our talking time also started shrinking, from hours to minutes. She used to spend all the evening with her friends there at that room. This change was not doing any good to me. I knew it was because of her friends. I asked her too, that I use to live alone, please talk to me frequently as I didn't even had any friend in college or else. Actually I never thought beyond her in that one year, but now she was doing. Still, I knew it was my fault that I did not made a life for me here, not her's. It was her exams once when she told me that they were staying at night on those guy's room as they had to do group study. That was it. I was unable to take it any more. I said no, you won't. She asked, why? I replied that I don't think that it was right. She became furious, arguing that I had the same old, cheap, C class, mediocre city mentality. I accepted it and said that you belong to that same city, don't forget. After a long argument, crying and shouting she agreed. It was our first fight in one year. After few days she told me that she  went to there room continuously for last four nights. Now their exams were over and she won't go. I was shocked, for first time in an year I did not talked her for next few days. After a while on her promising that she won't  lie ever in future, I forgive her but I knew that this problem needs a permanent solution.

I went Dehradun again in November. She planned a trip to Masuri with her friends, so that I could understand them better, and this problem ends. Our trip started in bus. She sat beside one of her best friend Manpreet. I need not to say what I felt at that moment. On whole trip she kept talking and roaming around with her friends. They were enjoying. Obviously I did not know about any of them beside her and I was not even interested in knowing any. The trip was meant to be enjoyed with her, which of course not happened. I was not there after traveling 800 miles to go on a trip with unknown guys. I was there for her. In between she also came to me and asked why I am not enjoying? I replied, it's good to see you happy, that's enough. And swear to God it was enough but few incidents soon followed and made all of it worse. 

It was getting very cold, as it was getting darker. I asked her to cover her ears with my scarf or she will get cold, as she was prone to it. She denied to it saying she was liking it that way. A minute later, her friend Manpreet gave her his cap saying the same, and she wore it. I consoled myself, may be she didn't like the scarf. Soon we decided to have ice-cream cones. I took one for all. Girls asked for chocolate flavor, and guys for vanilla. She threw her's soon saying it was yuk. I said, Try mine it's good. She denied to it saying she don't want any now. Manpreet asked her for it in  a while too, Try from mine, it's super tasty. She took his cone. Soon they both licked the same ice cream. She smiled saying, it was really tasty. This time even the flavor was same otherwise I may had consoled myself. I wanted to hit her so hard that all of that ice ream comes out of her mouth. But my upbringing was not so. I wanted to cry, but I was not that weak. That trip proved a total humiliation trip. I told her I want to leave right away. She said that don't create a scene , we will go together, my friends are there. They came to my hotel and dropped me. Roli went with them, bidding bye to me and saying sorry for the next day because she won't be able to come to station, which she used to do all the time when I left. I did not even asked, why not? I said O.K. I went in my room but my head was burning with pain. I took few sleeping pills from a store and slept. Next morning She did not called me as she not even called me last night. I came back to Allahabad.

I asked her on reaching Allahabad, about the whole episode. She replied, sorry I did not noticed, sorry If it hurt you. I asked why you did not come next day to station. She replied, we had to group study for exams. I can't even explain the feeling I had that day even in thousand pages, forget about words. After listening to her casual answers after which she hung up, I was even unable to put my phone down. It was still on my cheek. I wanted to ask why she was doing all that, in such a way. That she even comes to understand all the pain I was bearing, instantly. I thought, is this what we expect from one we love, to know our pain, change it into happiness and to not let it come back ever, she was not even understanding how much pain I was bearing due to her acts. Soon I realized that my phone was not water proof and I put it down.

The gap between us widened day by day. She got busier with her friends. Our daily conversation turned into weekly. We fought a lot. She lied to me a lot. I knew all the time that she was lying. She made all kind of excuses to ignore me, to avoid me. I was just unable to understand that why was she doing it. What happened suddenly that she started behaving like this. One day she told me, " Listen I want to make it clear to you, you helped me a lot in my first year, thank you for that but I am alone here and you are not here all the time to help me, for which I need friends. I can't even live in your boundaries that don't go there at night, don't do this, don't do that. I am fed up of your mediocre mentality. I don't want you anymore in my life" After completing her, she hung up. I was paused again. Last one and half year, Four year's earlier to that, everything was roaming in front of my eyes. Waking up whole nights for her, doing her work in my exams, Waking up every morning to see her first, Spending nearly one lack in my trips to Dehradun, and that too when I was not earning a single pie, Emotions, feelings, our little marriage, those incomparable moments we shared together, all came to this. "I don't want you anymore in my life" her words were echoing in my mind. My mobile was even now on my cheek and not water proof as well, but I forgot to put it down this time.

Next few months passed in Roli's sometimes yes and many a times in no, to rethink on her decision. She was going back to Dehradun from Ballia after Diwali holidays and I caught her in train at Pratapgarh. She was shocked and surprised to see me there. I asked her that why did ,you not ask me to come with you as all the times I used to do. She replied, because I don't want to see you anymore. When T.T. came  I asked him to make a ticket for me as the girl is with me. He asked Roli is he with you? She denied. I asked her not to do it else they will throw me out of the train. She started weeping. I was cornered, T.T. thought I was creating problem for her. Just then she said that yes he is with me. I felt relieved. Next day was my annual exam, still I wanted to go with her to Dehradun. She said no, go and give your exams. It's all good. We will be together. She asked me to return from Lucknow. On lucknow platform she stepped down with me. She hugged me in front of hundred of people, kissed me and said bye, go now. I love you a lot, I can't live without you. She sat in train which started running away. I waved her, she waved me back. I knew it was our last wave. I knew for the last time I was seeing her, I knew all she promised was again one of her lie to just get rid of me at that time. I always knew when she was lying.

I gave my exams, Got 30th ranked in class and just passed. She stopped talking to me at all, I tried everything from begging to talk to me up to blackmailing her but all useless, it took her even far from me. We were perfect couple, we had a perfect love story, we liked each other since childhood, Our cast was same and so there were not much problems if we wanted to marry as our parents knew about us too, we looked fabulous together but it was all waste, in front of just one thing, I was not there always, with her, for everything, as she said. Next two months, May and June of 2009 I lived in my room, all alone, neither talking to anyone nor meeting. I even threw my phone and in spite of continuous request of my parents not kept any number with me. I started drinking and smoking as well, it kept my mind unable from concentrating on, How will I live now? What wrong have I done? We married each other, still she left me, is all this just a joke? I eat Maggie only, for complete two months. After two months, in July I realized that I can't live my whole life like that, I had to move on though there was nothing in front of me to look. All my plans of future were with her only. Still everything started to normalize a bit. time is the greatest healer. I taught myself one thing very clearly, all this love is bull shit, and people just be with someone, till they need them, that continuous need turns into a complicated feeling we term as love. 

I took a new phone and inserted my sim card in it. Many new messages flashed on screen, many of them were her's. Most of them were concerned about my well being. As I was reading through them, my phone rang, it was an unknown number. I picked up, "Hello, how are you? I just got delivery reports of my messages sent to you. Are you o.k.?" I knew the voice. It was the same voice which broke my heart, made me believe that the thing in which I believed the most was just a need. It was the same voice which introduced me to her friends one year back in high tone, the same voice which whispered in my ears in Masuri, don't create a scene here my friends are looking, It was the same voice which said that I don't want you anymore in my life. I replied, " Yes I am good, I tried a lot to hate you, but can not, you know why, because I loved you, and you were the girl I wanted to spend my whole life with." I hung the phone.