10- Game of love- (IKCHA,PARUL,PANKHI,RASHMI AND OTHERS)

From July 2009 to January 2011 I got the best of materialistic life, but from this section of my life I don't consider anything worth mentioning in a form of story , though it was the most happening one. Just because I want to be true with my readers and want to give them a true account of my life step by step, I am mentioning all of it in form of casual details. It's not like this whole time was absolutely, people who love drama, action and tragedy it was the best for them, but I preferred emotions and I was out of it in this period. I also now understood that why people, very busy in earning materialistic life don't feel much. 

After loosing my love of life (As I thought) I was hopeless and faithless at the same time. I had completed my Post Graduation and did not have anything to do or work on. I was never a freak for earning or getting a job. I always believed that I will do something or the other needed to be happy in the given circumstance, and so not ever tried for a job or filled a form even for so. Now I thought to move in from the tragedy I had and to begin with it, I knew I had to socialize. I joined a coaching again (as I had experience that it's one of the cheapest and best to do so) for a computer course of, it's name was Tech up.

Before I start you telling the most villainous story, I want you to get into my mindset that time. I was a boy who was unable to even tell a girl about his love for her, 8 year's back, now the same girl had broken me immensely. I was left alone to suffer for the second consecutive time after being truly involved in both. I was carrying a mentality with me that all this love shit was just a joke and meant only for one thing, Enjoying, till you can, without worrying of other's feeling, and so, I too followed the same path. Just that my way of enjoying became even more critical.

At first while I started taking classes, two girls Ikcha and Aabida came near me. Both of them lasted for a month each and ditched afterwards ( just because the details are minimised don't think that I compromised by leaving anything undone.) In two months the coaching staff found that I am skilled enough to join them as faculty and so I left the course and joined as a faculty there after few interviews. Chances of getting good prospects for my pleasure improved. My  next victim or say love in worldly words was Parul. She was a strange girl, as she was the best faculty present over there by looks and reason for fantasy of many. She did agreed to do everything not just for the upper limit of it, as she believed that it should be for her husband only. Till then the boy with tender heart was completely changed into a monster. I challenged myself to undo her oath and I completed my task soon, but it took a lot of emotional drama, in which I was expert till then. After 6 months she got married and we were apart without even a word of sorry, she was practical as most of the girls of time, I was too, now. 

Next was Pankhi, one of my student, about to my age, who joined me for the spoken classes, which was a part of her ongoing package of courses. On the very first day I was thrilled to see her. Among all the girls I had been ( if you take emotional context out of it), she was the best looking. She belonged to a punjabi family and had all the attributes of it. With 5'6" height, 36-24-36 ( if it can be beaten by any other no. mind that) strong built, wearing mild make-up, strikingly smooth, light brown skin, she looked like a tough competition for anybodies favorite girl. I soon noticed that she was also the talk of the town in there. I instantly used my unbeatable charm and vicious wit to tackle her up and as expected, succeeded. Her amazing charm even blew a fresh air of emotions in me for sometime and again I started to see things about me which I had long lost. We planned for marriage and she made me meet her mother too. I even announced at my home in spite of the cast factor that I will marry her, they were happy and sad both, at the same time. Happy to see me happy  after along time and sad because they knew may be, that what's going to happen in the end. After her one month course and enjoying in all the ways possible to imagine with me, she left for Solan, Himanchal. I was so blinded in her charm that I even took a leave from my work and followed her there and tried to get a job there so that we could spend time together. I reached there in two days by changing a train and two buses and travelling continuously, She came to meet me in a general store and wished me luck for a job and said it's the only hope to continue with her or else she could not make her parents agree. Just listening to these words of her woke me from the dream I was in. I knew she was practically true, but I always preferred emotions. Without even trying for a job I left the place instantly. I returned in three days, travelling continuously again and by changing five buses, Solan to Chandigarh, Chandigarh to Jalandhar, Jalandhar to Delhi, Delhi to Kanpur and Kanpur to Allahabad. For 6 days I had been in buses only for a meeting in a general store which turned out into a cold heart suggestion to me for keeping in touch. I was not broken though, not even hurt, all this I had been through already, so much that I did not even became sad for it even for one day. But it had one effect, it enlarged the monster even more, till now I was only behind fulfilling my pleasures but now this pleasure was no more there and it took it's troll through other's pain. I felt even more brutal and emotionless.

I  left that job on return and took another one in one of the college in city, named V.I.T. This job was better paying and had even more options for fulfilling my craving for pleasure in other's pain. For 6 month's of my joining I just enjoyed the materialistic pleasures but it became unable to stop the monster any longer. I took my first victim there, Rashmi who became a headache while getting rid of, she was too emotional and unacceptable to the fact hat someone can even leave her. After two months she met the same faith as others did. Soon I took another one, Rakhi the most practical one. Just one good bye and she never even bothered to ask why? I liked this attitude of her's that time, wished all could be like that. She lasted for three months, and history repeated itself.

In this period of three years I made out with few others too, some for weeks and few for a month at most. I have nothing to mention about them, beside I had with them just physically, without any emotional attachment.

All this time playing the game of love, I came to know about other prospect of mine. I loved teaching and telling my students what I felt about life and other experiences. I loved the work, so much so that I worked continuously in college timings as no one else did, not even with half of my efforts. Student loved me and I loved them even more as in my (unknown even to me) (painful) lonesomeness they became my prime area of concern. I gave all I had to them and they returned it with all the love they had. In stead of feeding the monster within me I started loving the work I did. Soon the monster started weakening and died sometime later without even me, noticing it. I stopped finding new victims. I was happy again. I was relieved. My student's happiness, there affection to me, there respect to me helped me to become a better person form what I had become. It was three years, in which I made many suffer and suffered even more in the process, but it ended at last. 

It's January of 2011, I started with a new outlook about things I needed, and loved, to do for being happy. I loved to teach and to follow the things I teach to those budding flowers of feelings about life, and how to control these new feelings, in them. To drive all they had into the right direction, I started moving on the right path too. I was happy to be in the position of, not loved by any but liked by many.

Was it possible to continue like this? I wanted to, but was it? Everyone needs someone, only for him or her, sometime. I also needed now. With the death of the monster, I started feeling things again, and with this feeling came the believe that Love is still there, if I am happy after being through all I had, destiny must have had something special for me, I was waiting for that special one now, though unknowingly.

9- I too had a love story, may be - PRIYA (ROLI) (2)

I still remember my first meeting to Roli in Dehradun in October, 2007 . After the evening, I had to drop her to her hostel after meeting in Buddha temple. Her hostel was a few meters walk from the road where Auto dropped us. We walked that road hand in hand, most of the time looking into each other's eyes. I was not comfortable in it as her friends and my cousin was right behind us, then she said to me, Are you afraid of people to know that we love each other? I grabbed her even closer to me and replied, no I was just saving our love from people's evil eyes, it creates bad impact sometime. She said, don't you worry darling, I always wear kaajal, it will not happen. She loved to show it that we were so perfect a couple for each other. She even called me that day to cross in front of her P.G., so that her friends could also see me, I followed and noticed that she was with her friends in balcony of her room, proudly showing me to one of her friend even waved at me and I did the same. But all the time crossing that road in front of her balcony (as I was in love with watching her in balconies) in spite of so many girls to distract, my eyes were glued on her.

In September 2008, probably my 10th visit to Dehradun in one year, I went to meet her. She had taken a P.G. as You know already, by the excuse that we can meet even easily by this, when I reached there, opposite to that happened. She told me that she can't meet in hotel and can not come for the stay as her friends were there in another P.G. and even her room partner, what will she say to them. I was dumbstruck. I went there traveling 20 hours, spending my one month's allowance, and all of it with her acceptance too, just to know that we can't meet like that. Then how will we meet, I asked. She replied, Come to our friend's room and we will enjoy there together. I agreed. I went there and had a good time with them. They were also keen to make me comfortable. On there request I also cooked as Roli had told them that I am good at it. Two days I stayed with those boys and then left for home in a bitter mood.

In few days she told me that she visited with her room partner to those boy's room as all of them were friends and her room partner was girl friend of one of the boy as well. I didn't like it much that she is going on boy's room, but said nothing. I still had that same typical middle class boy mentality, over protective. Soon our talking time also started shrinking, from hours to minutes. She used to spend all the evening with her friends there at that room. This change was not doing any good to me. I knew it was because of her friends. I asked her too, that I use to live alone, please talk to me frequently as I didn't even had any friend in college or else. Actually I never thought beyond her in that one year, but now she was doing. Still, I knew it was my fault that I did not made a life for me here, not her's. It was her exams once when she told me that they were staying at night on those guy's room as they had to do group study. That was it. I was unable to take it any more. I said no, you won't. She asked, why? I replied that I don't think that it was right. She became furious, arguing that I had the same old, cheap, C class, mediocre city mentality. I accepted it and said that you belong to that same city, don't forget. After a long argument, crying and shouting she agreed. It was our first fight in one year. After few days she told me that she  went to there room continuously for last four nights. Now their exams were over and she won't go. I was shocked, for first time in an year I did not talked her for next few days. After a while on her promising that she won't  lie ever in future, I forgive her but I knew that this problem needs a permanent solution.

I went Dehradun again in November. She planned a trip to Masuri with her friends, so that I could understand them better, and this problem ends. Our trip started in bus. She sat beside one of her best friend Manpreet. I need not to say what I felt at that moment. On whole trip she kept talking and roaming around with her friends. They were enjoying. Obviously I did not know about any of them beside her and I was not even interested in knowing any. The trip was meant to be enjoyed with her, which of course not happened. I was not there after traveling 800 miles to go on a trip with unknown guys. I was there for her. In between she also came to me and asked why I am not enjoying? I replied, it's good to see you happy, that's enough. And swear to God it was enough but few incidents soon followed and made all of it worse. 

It was getting very cold, as it was getting darker. I asked her to cover her ears with my scarf or she will get cold, as she was prone to it. She denied to it saying she was liking it that way. A minute later, her friend Manpreet gave her his cap saying the same, and she wore it. I consoled myself, may be she didn't like the scarf. Soon we decided to have ice-cream cones. I took one for all. Girls asked for chocolate flavor, and guys for vanilla. She threw her's soon saying it was yuk. I said, Try mine it's good. She denied to it saying she don't want any now. Manpreet asked her for it in  a while too, Try from mine, it's super tasty. She took his cone. Soon they both licked the same ice cream. She smiled saying, it was really tasty. This time even the flavor was same otherwise I may had consoled myself. I wanted to hit her so hard that all of that ice ream comes out of her mouth. But my upbringing was not so. I wanted to cry, but I was not that weak. That trip proved a total humiliation trip. I told her I want to leave right away. She said that don't create a scene , we will go together, my friends are there. They came to my hotel and dropped me. Roli went with them, bidding bye to me and saying sorry for the next day because she won't be able to come to station, which she used to do all the time when I left. I did not even asked, why not? I said O.K. I went in my room but my head was burning with pain. I took few sleeping pills from a store and slept. Next morning She did not called me as she not even called me last night. I came back to Allahabad.

I asked her on reaching Allahabad, about the whole episode. She replied, sorry I did not noticed, sorry If it hurt you. I asked why you did not come next day to station. She replied, we had to group study for exams. I can't even explain the feeling I had that day even in thousand pages, forget about words. After listening to her casual answers after which she hung up, I was even unable to put my phone down. It was still on my cheek. I wanted to ask why she was doing all that, in such a way. That she even comes to understand all the pain I was bearing, instantly. I thought, is this what we expect from one we love, to know our pain, change it into happiness and to not let it come back ever, she was not even understanding how much pain I was bearing due to her acts. Soon I realized that my phone was not water proof and I put it down.

The gap between us widened day by day. She got busier with her friends. Our daily conversation turned into weekly. We fought a lot. She lied to me a lot. I knew all the time that she was lying. She made all kind of excuses to ignore me, to avoid me. I was just unable to understand that why was she doing it. What happened suddenly that she started behaving like this. One day she told me, " Listen I want to make it clear to you, you helped me a lot in my first year, thank you for that but I am alone here and you are not here all the time to help me, for which I need friends. I can't even live in your boundaries that don't go there at night, don't do this, don't do that. I am fed up of your mediocre mentality. I don't want you anymore in my life" After completing her, she hung up. I was paused again. Last one and half year, Four year's earlier to that, everything was roaming in front of my eyes. Waking up whole nights for her, doing her work in my exams, Waking up every morning to see her first, Spending nearly one lack in my trips to Dehradun, and that too when I was not earning a single pie, Emotions, feelings, our little marriage, those incomparable moments we shared together, all came to this. "I don't want you anymore in my life" her words were echoing in my mind. My mobile was even now on my cheek and not water proof as well, but I forgot to put it down this time.

Next few months passed in Roli's sometimes yes and many a times in no, to rethink on her decision. She was going back to Dehradun from Ballia after Diwali holidays and I caught her in train at Pratapgarh. She was shocked and surprised to see me there. I asked her that why did ,you not ask me to come with you as all the times I used to do. She replied, because I don't want to see you anymore. When T.T. came  I asked him to make a ticket for me as the girl is with me. He asked Roli is he with you? She denied. I asked her not to do it else they will throw me out of the train. She started weeping. I was cornered, T.T. thought I was creating problem for her. Just then she said that yes he is with me. I felt relieved. Next day was my annual exam, still I wanted to go with her to Dehradun. She said no, go and give your exams. It's all good. We will be together. She asked me to return from Lucknow. On lucknow platform she stepped down with me. She hugged me in front of hundred of people, kissed me and said bye, go now. I love you a lot, I can't live without you. She sat in train which started running away. I waved her, she waved me back. I knew it was our last wave. I knew for the last time I was seeing her, I knew all she promised was again one of her lie to just get rid of me at that time. I always knew when she was lying.

I gave my exams, Got 30th ranked in class and just passed. She stopped talking to me at all, I tried everything from begging to talk to me up to blackmailing her but all useless, it took her even far from me. We were perfect couple, we had a perfect love story, we liked each other since childhood, Our cast was same and so there were not much problems if we wanted to marry as our parents knew about us too, we looked fabulous together but it was all waste, in front of just one thing, I was not there always, with her, for everything, as she said. Next two months, May and June of 2009 I lived in my room, all alone, neither talking to anyone nor meeting. I even threw my phone and in spite of continuous request of my parents not kept any number with me. I started drinking and smoking as well, it kept my mind unable from concentrating on, How will I live now? What wrong have I done? We married each other, still she left me, is all this just a joke? I eat Maggie only, for complete two months. After two months, in July I realized that I can't live my whole life like that, I had to move on though there was nothing in front of me to look. All my plans of future were with her only. Still everything started to normalize a bit. time is the greatest healer. I taught myself one thing very clearly, all this love is bull shit, and people just be with someone, till they need them, that continuous need turns into a complicated feeling we term as love. 

I took a new phone and inserted my sim card in it. Many new messages flashed on screen, many of them were her's. Most of them were concerned about my well being. As I was reading through them, my phone rang, it was an unknown number. I picked up, "Hello, how are you? I just got delivery reports of my messages sent to you. Are you o.k.?" I knew the voice. It was the same voice which broke my heart, made me believe that the thing in which I believed the most was just a need. It was the same voice which introduced me to her friends one year back in high tone, the same voice which whispered in my ears in Masuri, don't create a scene here my friends are looking, It was the same voice which said that I don't want you anymore in my life. I replied, " Yes I am good, I tried a lot to hate you, but can not, you know why, because I loved you, and you were the girl I wanted to spend my whole life with." I hung the phone.

8- I too had a love story, may be - PRIYA (ROLI) (1)

One evening I was sitting at Sangam with my cousin. We were enjoying cool rainy breeze. It was August of 2007. I had got admission in U. P.'s most reputed university for study of literature, A.U. For the first time in my life I was thinking of my career and was telling him about my plans of doing a PhD. in literature. While I was busy setting these long term goals, my phone rang. It was an unknown number. I picked up and said hello. Hello, Pahchana? (Identified) reply came from the other side. It was the voice which had been my alarm clock for years, how I could not identify. Hey, Roli, how you called me? Where did you got my number? I asked. She replied that she just arranged. She also said that she called me because she wanted to say sorry for whatever happened back home. I said it's alright, I had forgot it. She told me that she has got admission in Dehradun in Doon college, for bachelor's of physiotherapy course. After a 10 minutes chat or so about her new schedule and habitat she hanged up saying, will be in touch. I was on cloud 9. Again.

Next few weeks passed talking to her about various things. She was in hostel there and I was in mine, both free to talk, mostly we talked about her ragging their because of which she used to weep a lot and I consoled her all the time that it happens everywhere and it's just for your good. Sometimes we talked about our past time and present too. But what about the future which I had planned with her? That too a long time ago. Is it the right time to ask her now? It started haunting my mind soon. I was an expert now with girls or at least I thought so, but I was unable to do it again. That same thought that If she said no then what will happen, started making me nervous. Till now I had got a friend too. It was my cousin, Sannu. We had a gap of just one month in our age. We used to share almost everything between us no matter what, He knew everything about me and Roli too.

It was September last, On my brother's suggestion I text her about my feelings. She called instantly. Started shouting on me, what is it, I never even dream of it, how can you even think of it, mai to aapko Bhaiya kahti thi na (I thought of you like my brother, isn't it?) But  I was smiling, I was happy, first by the fact that at last I said it and second because from my experience till now I had understood that every girl gives thousand excuses for proving that how will it be impossible, only when she has to say 'Yes'. In a way they use to clear their doubts about the boy and future with him, by doing this. After some ifs and buts and a promise that I will marry her, Roli agreed. I was with the girl of my dreams, my childhood crush, my four year's labor and most important of them all, with the girl I wanted to spend rest of my life.

Soon I planned a quick trip to Dehradun to see her. I went there with my cousin, whole time in the Sangam express I was excited about our meeting. Finally we arrived at Dehradun and without searching much got a room too, in Hotel Meedo near railway station. We met for the first time in Buddha Temple of Dehradun. She was with few of her friends. As they saw me it was visible that my charm had it's way through them. A few started flirting with me too, for which I had skillful replies, but not now, not at this moment. I was unable to see anyone beside her. Roli was in bright yellow suit which was complimenting her skin color beautifully. Comparatively cold weather of the area had made her even more bright and fragile. We had a good time there, after which we met in hotel too on the next day. I sent Sannu to market for roaming around, telling her that he had some work. Later I had to pay him for that. We talked a lot, hugged and kissed too. She said, that's all and we will never break this limit. I agreed as even that much was like winning a lottery without even buying a ticket for me.

After my first visit, We chat all the time about it that how magical was our meeting. One month more and I was again in Ddehradun, this time alone and in a better hotel, Moti Mahal. We agreed to take our relationship to the next level, but before marriage it was like a sin to do. I had it's solution too, We married in hotel room, She brought shindur from nearby temple, I arranged a duplicate mangalsutra and a sari. But shit, how will it be possible without Agnee ke sat phere? Smarty brain again had an idea, I turned torchlight of my mobile phone on, and placed it on floor, we took rounds of it for seven time with me pronouncing Mangalam bhagwan vishnu kind of mantras. Soon it was done. Now the main thing for which all this was necessary (that time I did not thought so, it's now that my mind is corrupted.) For the first time I did it with the girl I was in love, and instantly I knew the difference. I was king of the world now. For next two days we had nothing to do beside one thing. On my way back to Allahabad I was barely standing as aftereffects.

For next one year everything went along perfect. I passed with 3rd position in my class in spite of a visit per month to Dehradun. I had identified a best hotel in town in my budget, Hotel Gaurav, they kept a room book for us at the end of every month. We met in Ballia too, in holi. I called her when my parents were out and it was the best holi of my life and that too without playing any. I couldn't even had asked much than that from God even if I had. I was so indulged in it that I barely thought of anything else. From that little money I used to get I manged to save enough for my tickets and stay for 2-3 days there, with all other expenses every month. I never became that much managing with money ever, afterwards.

She too passed her first year and decided to shift in P.G. which was the first thing in this one year, I was against of. I told her that there were many problems in it, which I was dealing with daily, and I don't want you to suffer the same. She denied all, and one day told me that she shifted. I was furious, without even telling me, how can you do that? She said I did it only for us, so that we can meet even more easily. It calmed me down. Argument was over and we were soon in each other's arm, imagining.

Continue...

7- There is no hero in this story- (AARTI & GROUP)

If you are thinking that I am writing all this to prove that how much I had been molested and suffered through people's hand or to justify myself by any means or proving myself even a good person, soon you got to change your views about all this. You can consider me a villain too. But my one and only aim here is to write all of my experiences truly, to make you understand how life treats an individual since it's childhood, and makes him/her wise and fool about things. It's not an individual who is at wrong or right it's his or her circumstances forcing to do what he/she does.

I gave my final exams for 3rd year graduation and was completely idle now. Though I had accepted that Ashiya was no more there to connect, the habit of talking on phone for hours and hours to her was killing me. I was used to live alone and not to see or talk for hours to anyone as you know, but earlier. Past few months in Allahabad were so active, full of fun, pain, pleasure love and lust that this lonesomeness was killing me. There was nothing now, not even that wait on my window on which I spent hours. Our new home was a two bedroom apartment with no windows to open on any of the road, though it was near to our previous house.

In our coaching there were few other ones of our group who were in contact with me. Aarti was one of that. She was short height, slim, average looking girl. I never noticed her individually, beside the fact that she used to provide her scooty for few of our rides, on request by Ashiya. She was of jolly nature and above par caring, which I realized, as she began talking to me a bit after that whole Ashiya episode. She used to tell me that Ashiya had links with few other boys too, on listening of which I scolded her once ( I still remembered the way Ashiya had said I love you and will never forget you, on that ricksaw that day). But soon I understood that what Aarti was saying could be true, even though that not changed my belief that Aashiya loved me, may be just for things I did, and more than that for things I didn't. In spite of all these wise thoughts I was unable to stop condemning myself for the fact that why I left anything to do at all, I should have done that, 'THAT'.

I was 21 years old now,a feeling entirely unknown and new was creeping in. The physical one. May be it was also after effects of denying the offer earlier. Everything was making me sick, somehow or the other. In the meantime, Aarti and me came closer, one of the main reason for which was, those lengthy conversations on phone, in which she used to sympathies me a lot. It was soothing and relaxing that someone cares for you and what you feel. Another reason was that on phone you can't see the person you are talking to. Aarti was a jolly girl and she had told me that she had a boyfriend. They were apart now but she still missed the boy who was muslim and because of which her srivastava family was unable to accept it.

I planned a visit soon to Allahabad for obvious reasons. I called Aarti one day, to meet and talk when no one was there beside my younger cousin at my uncle's home. Everyone else was on a trip for attending a marriage, given that I take care of my cousin and house. I was free to meet anyone and do anything. Aarti came and we were chatting on various things during which both of us realized something, can't tell today what was that, but that was something. She was looking average as always, still good enough. I asked my cousin to go market and bring some vegetables so that Aarti can make food for us which he followed. As soon as he was out of the house I grabbed Aarti. I was not in love with her, she knew that. I knew that too. And we did it. It was the same boy remember, who denied doing it just on a question that weather I ll marry the girl, denied again to one as it not seemed safe, Unable to propose a girl he loved passionately. Anyway, I was relaxed instantly, unknown to how it worked. 

She also introduced me to some of her friends. Reeti and Savita, among whom I remember. I had grown in confidence about my charm and ability, to impress anyone through it till then. Aarti was friend with both these girls for 15 years since her school days. One day when I was trying to make her understand that It's easy to fall in love with me for her as I am capable of making anyone do so with my charm and cleaver talks she challenged me that if I Made her friends fall for me she will never question my abilities and will not blame me for not loving her, as she does to me. I accepted, and it took 2 months after which both the girls accepted my proposal. That too in spite of knowing that I was also involved with their other two friends. They stopped talking to each other. Believe me I am not boasting here which it seems like, it actually happened which even I was doubtful of. Aarti accepted her defeat soon. There 15 years friendship was no match for my tricks.

I came back Ballia soon. Aarti kept talking to me and saying that she loved me. I told her that we had no future as our casts are different and more than that I never loved her. She asked once then why I did that day? I had no answers. She cut her wrist once and was admitted in hospital, tried to convince me of her love by trying to give away her life if I won't accept. Still I knew I won't be able to love her. All this suicide stuff not changed my view, other than about one thing , I started feeling guilty of what happened that day. The same Aarti who was soothing because she felt my pain earlier was entirely unknown to it now. I was doomed again and lost. That guilt that I did wrong with her, as she said, was with me for a long time. I blamed myself many a times for everything bad happened to me because of that incident. She agreed that we will be friends always and kept trying to convince me for her love too. Often she blamed me and said that I won't be happy ever as I was the first with whom she did it and the last. She won't marry now and will condemn me too, for it. Still we were friends.

Up to 2010 December, I and Aarti was in contact till that day when she called me and said, "Deepak I don't blame you for anything. I know you feel guilty for that always, but you should not. It was not the first time for me. I lied to you. I always want to see you happy. I am getting married." I was stunned. That guilt I blamed for four years was just a lie. Still composed myself. I replied, " Thank's yaar. You are an angel, I am quite relieved now. Congratulations for your marriage" She thanked and hung up. I smirked, she not knew how many such guilts I had till then.

I appeared in exams for Masters with English Literature in University of Allahabad. First time in my life I studied hard, for it's preparations. Just 15 days of study and I got selected for admission. I left Ballia. Took a room in Allahabad. A new phase of my life was about to start. I knew now, people are not as they appear. You even can't understand anyone, as they also keep changing with time. Your own feelings about things change, which even you, yourself can't understand, forget justifying them. I was mastering in behaving with people according to them, changing myself altogether. It was becoming another of my tool to impress. I was growing wise, deprived of love, with which my heart was full for anyone to take. I wanted to love someone and to be loved. True love.

6- Ricksaw: ASHIYA (2)

I gave her my skillfully filled up slam book and the one I had bought too. She smiled first by seeing that I had a new slam book which she must have understood that I took just for her to fill. She took that and kept both of it in her bag without saying anything. I asked her, "Don't you want to read it?" She replied, "Later." That day was hardest to pass and I was eagerly waiting for the next day to take mine back. Actually I had given few hints in few columns that  I like her in her slam book, and what will she reply thought, was haunting me. Next day I just came to know that she had not filled mine till now. All my excitement shifted to the next day. After 4 days she returned me my slam book. It's first page was filled with glittering words and in a writing which even could have made calligraphers look dwarf. It took a long pause before I started reading. I am mentioning here few columns as they still read in my slam book the same-
I would like to go on a date with- A true boy
One thing missing in my life- A boyfriend
I like you because you are- Having a bundle of qualities like, Smart, Stylish, Sincere, Saline, Sane and last but not the least, "SENSATIONAL PERSONALITY"
I read last lines dozen times and was thinking to myself, is it? Do I really have such qualities? I thanked my parents for endowing me with such charm. Right then I noticed that after few pages there was a letter. A love poem was written on it. Now what? I didn't attach any such letter while I gave her her's. Shit. No problem. I was again on the book store and this time a letter pad was in my list. We started giving each other a letter everyday, on which, few poetical lines were written. All of her lines used to be copy but I always wrote mine, my own lines in a form of reply to one's she used to give. She was totally impressed now, I knew that. Still it was Deepak kumar upadhyay, who did not proposed a girl for 4 years in-spite of the confirmation of acceptance. 

Now only one month was left for our course to complete. We had stopped attending classes. We were even limited now to a group of 6. Two boys and four girls. The other boy of our group left because I had won and he understood that he got no chance with Ashiya. Girls left seeing that both the boys are already engaged so there is nothing left. ( It's also possible that they left because they were unable to bunk daily like us. O.K. jokes apart)

One day, we were sitting at Saraswati Ghat below new bridge, I still remember the date by chance, It was 28th August 2005 and surely every word she said. She asked, "Deepak, do you like me?" I replied, " Of course." She said again, " But I love you." " Me too", I replied. I never understood, and I think I won't be able to understand it ever, that why it needs to be said?Beside just move it to next level which is physical of course. If two people like each other they know it all the time that whom they like, and who liked them. Still, we live in a society in which these are unsaid rules. 

I was happy, next one month passed like a dream. We both bought two brand new Reliance phones for being online 24*7. In September last that year, once I saw how much time I had spent on phone it was showing- Dialed calls- 480 hours. Received- 5 hours. Calculate it then minus it from hours in a month and add hours we spent in coaching. We were almost in touch all the time in that month. No matter it was day or night, even that we are talking or not, phone had to be online. Sleeping, breathing, coughing, snoring, everything was part of our conversations for that month. Biggest problem, that phone disconnects every one hour. If it happens and next call not comes within a minute I was dead. You slept while talking to me na? I am so boring na? All these questions had to be answered.

After meeting in coaching at 5, we used to take a ricksaw in which we roamed round and round of whole city. Allahabad had nothing to visit of special quality, as it is a city made for students historically, not for love birds. Still we managed, sometime in parks like Bharadwaj, S.G. etc. and few times at sangam, our favorite spot. Still the best time was that ricksaw ride. When hiring a ricksaw I had to take  great care that it had to have a good little covering in front so that we can hide ourselves sitting tall in back, and no body can see us while kissing each other. 
All this time I was unable to forget Roli too, whom you must remember. Often she came in my mind, Still don't know what was there in Ashiya's company, I used to forget everything beside her. We visited almost all the places possible for spending time. Watched 3 or 4 films too, every week, not the blockbusters but the flop ones. We used to kiss each other for hours continuously with only breaks for breathing, without being exhausted at all. Many a times we planned to meet somewhere where we can meet, sit and obviously can take the next step which was necessary may be to take now. Hotels, Friend's rooms etc.  all kind of options she gave but I denied all of them adjudging them too risky. At that time I was just happy in whatever I had. Anyway, anyhow it not became possible for us to meet like that and our coaching came to an end.

On farewell day we didn't have any courage to go for classes and collect our cerificate as we had not attended any classes in last one month. We took a ricksaw and asked him to go Sangam. We discussed everything that how will we meet now and how we will be in touch. She promised that nothing's gonna change because of our separation, beside we will just meet a bit less than we used to do. We hugged each other for the first time that day. I was aware of people staring at us but noticed that she was totally unaware and unconcerned of it with eyes closed on my back. At last she left in that same ricksaw for her home and I was standing right there on the ghat of sangam. She was going away as fast as sun was setting and just then my phone rang. It was showing Ashiya calling. I took it, and she said, "I love you and I can never forget you." I put it down and started running. After running a mile I caught her. Stopped ricksaw and said to her, I love you too, even I can't forget you."

I came back Ballia and she went to her hometown Kanpur. We used to talk often on phone but not that frequently. We also planned to visit Allahabad soon, together, so that we can meet. 

One day she shocked me telling that we can't talk now for a month as she was suffering from a minor brain tumor and had to go a major surgery for which she was going to U.S. I was unable to utter a single word. I said o.k. and she put the phone down after promising that she will call later on returning back. Few months passed, Her number was switched off all this time, soon I got busy in my final exams of graduation. 

An year after I came to know from one of my coaching friend that she met Ashiya in his college where he was doing M.B.A. in Lucknow. I asked him to give her my number and ask her to talk me. Next day he told me that she denied knowing either him or me. I was not much shocked this time. Till now I had got that she lied to me about her illness too.

The boy who was unable to tell a girl that he loved her for years, proposed by a girl later, loved, promised and ditched by the same, was learning slowly the means and methods of his society, to which he was till now secluded by the cushion of his parents and lonesomeness. That day and today, I never heard about Ashiya, nothing. I never even blamed her for anything, just made myself understand that our short little one month's journey was similar to those " Ricksaw rides" we used to take. A ricksaw puller pulls all the way through to your destination with full effort, may be even talking to you, but neither he can see your face nor you. Once you leave a ricksaw, next time neither he can tell that who was his customer, nor you can tell that this was the ricksaw puller that day in that little journey.

5- Ricksaw: ASHIYA (1)

Other than few trips with my family on vacations and few to my aunt in Kolkata, I had been entirely in Ballia. Though Allahabad was not some out of the world experience but for someone who had only seen girls in the street with their guardians to accompany, it was a new experience altogether to see girls riding Scotties or even walking freely in streets. 

Now on this point those who are following my stories must be wondering that, had I not any other work beside thinking about girls at that time? In all the stories there is a girl and I am mostly only talking about them too, why? I would like to tell you that there were many things, like my career, family, sports and else which I had to worry about, but if you will follow closely any individual's life today either in student life or in working, prior to marriage ( in some cases even after) a prime objective in everyone's life is having a happy relationship. In spite of all cries of corruption and poverty you can't deny the fact that like all other major economies of the day and their history, our country is also undergoing a vast social change. Our youth have no goals to achieve, they have made this an aim of their own. Two things are very important for youth to make their mind for getting something, first it should bring a personal change to the way they live and second it should be hard to do. For example few decades back, youth had an aim to get freedom as we all know. Bhagat singh, Azaad and many more not even gave a second thought to give their lives to achieve it. Of course with all due respect to them I am not comparing that with running behind girls or boys, but we have to understand the basic working ideology behind it. They did that because they found themselves in a circumstance where they have to do it, which everyone was so mad to do. They got an ideology from their surrounding friends and public of that time who were dying for the cause, which will elevate living of the masses of the country, it was best to do at that time and also the hardest, so they did. Today their is nothing in front of our youth generation to do which can bring such revolutionary change. They are supported with a well settled economic stature of their family. But they are youth and they got to do something which is socially active and challenging at the same time, the answer is getting the best and happiest relationship among all. Boys see that opportunity in their girl friends and girls smarter and one step ahead than boys, search for it in the perfect marriage. We can discuss it any further we  like but this universal phenomena inherent in genes cat't be denied altogether. That's why I also have decided only to share only about this part of my life so that it follows the main concern of today's youth and so they feel interested about it.

I was thrilled by this new surrounding of mine and was finding a way to stay there for some time beside my short trip. Soon I got an excuse. My school was an Hindi medium C.B.S.E. board school (very rare to find one) because of which my English was very bad. As I was getting my graduate degree from English literature and had plans for keeping the same subject for my masters and further as well, I had to had good command over English for which I joined a spoken course in a nearby coaching named B.S.L. I would love to share the philosophy behind following English as a career option here. I was no good in science, and in spite of completing my Intermediate degree from Science I had best marks in English and Hindi. Right then I decided that I had to study literature and humanity, as science never even attracted me as a subject. Novels, stories and poems were only content of my reading time, which was of course very little.

I stayed at my uncle's home in railway colony civil lines, from where my coaching was a k.m. away. It was a three month's course and for that much time I was destined to enjoy this newly found charm of mine. I bought a new bicycle with all the sporty handlebar and gears in it. Though I had preferred to bring my bike from home but due to little allowance I had, in which petrol cost could not be added (later it proved as an added benefit) I couldn't. The time for my batch was 5:30 to 8:30 in evening. One month passed, for the first time in my life I had made few friends on my own without getting bullied. We were a batch of 60 boys and 10 girls. Our own little group had all ten girls and 3 boys. We three boys were also a reason of envy for the others because we had occupied all the girls. Among all ten of them, one got engaged as soon as the coaching started with one of the boy of our group. 9 were left now, In which there was that one girl, with strikingly beautiful black hair which she of course used to maintain a lot. She was best of the bunch as per my liking. You should also understand here that I was a small town boy, from a boys school, never attended his college beside exams and most important failed to express his love to a girl in four years. All in all entirely unknown to girls, and miles away from understanding anything about them. We were group of three boys from which one was engaged already, but the other one was free and interested in the same girl with long black skillfully maintained hair. Her name was Ashiya. She use to wear suits of contrast colors stitched to perfectly fit in her 34-29-36 figure. In that one month I never saw her repeating the same suit again as I was waiting for it to happen. She was second best in answering the questions asked during teachings, in group discussions and conversation classes, after me. I was amazed by the elevation in my stature as student here as I was one of the worse in my school. My decision of choosing English was strengthened. This first and second position which we acquired, created a bit of chemistry between us. We use to talk after classes about casual things. 
One day when she gave me her 'Slam Book' to fill. 'Slam Book', I was unknown entirely to it. As soon as I reached home I opened it and soon realized that I had to fill my Bio-data in it. Working whole night for filling mere two pages I was excited to give it back to her. Suddenly a thought came in my mind. I will give it back to her, but what next? Should I not give her a slam book of mine to fill too? I went to market and bought one, the best looking one, with most details, and considerably costliest.

Continue..

4- The balcony girl: PRIYA (ROLI) (2)

It didn't took me much to realize that it was not willingly that she called me that, it was just the primary etiquette which she had to follow. She was 2 years younger than me and not supposed to call me by the name because of which she had to give me that due respect. But only I was able to feel at that time that, how getting respect can also be painful. I went in her balcony and picked up the call which was a wrong call, searching some other Deepak. 

In-spite of calling me 'Bhaiya' all the time, she had started talking to me once in a while now. I was admitted in Bachelor of Arts in a nearby college, in which there was no criteria of attendance, and so I never troubled myself to attend any of the classes ever. She was my full time study now, beside playing cricket or watching movies for whole day. I had watched nearly all the movies till then, available in market, either of Bollywood or Hollywood.  In day time she used to go to school and my parents go to there respective jobs. I used to be alone, wondering in my mind about the strategies, how will I play in today's match or how will I be able to tell her what I feel. I was used to this loneliness for quite some time now. Every day was a same story. You already know that I had left the bully gang earlier, so there were even no friends to accompany, and I was not even good at making new friends. Till now I had developed a habit of being silent for 10 to 12 hours continuous at home. Talking much, about things not of anybody's concern is a prerequisite for making new friends, which was of course miles away from me because of my daily routine. I was developing from a cute, naughty, cheater, liar child into a lonesome, sporty, introvert, and hiding his love to himself type of boy.

It was 2005, It's been four years and anyhow I had managed to convince my parents to stay in that house. She was in 12th board and I was doing well by one month's study before exam, in my bachelor's degree. She came to me one day with her practical assignments and asked me to draw the figures, as the next day was her practical exams and her file was not complete. My art was good but the figures I drew that night, for which I even got scolded by papa because next day it was my exam too, were the best I have ever drawn. In the morning she took it and was very happy to see it, sure of that she will get full marks for it. I smiled too.

There was another incident to mention for must. I never used to hide anything from my parents. As I was short of friends they fulfilled that department. They knew about my feelings for her too. One night when I was sneaking from my window my mother came to me and grabbed my hand, took me to her stairs and said, "come on I'll take you to her parents and if you are so desperate it's not a problem, I will talk to her parents if you don't have courage and we will arrange a marriage for you as they are also of the same caste and a well to do family, they won't have any problem in it." I was shocked to listen mom, probably in her age she was tired to see me from last 4 years following a girl but not saying anything to her and may be because they were not able to change that house was also adding to it. I said, "No" and we came back.

It was not like I never tried to tell Roli how I felt. many a times I called her on her land line but when she picks up and says hello, all my preparations and plans used to fail. Face to face chat was impossible because whenever she used to come in front of me, my habit of being silent reach on it's peak. Everything was rolling smoothly like this, till that day.

In February of 2005 Roli's younger brother ran away from home as he was angry because of something. Her parents were worried. They had sent many in search of him but all in vein, no one was able to find him. Roli called me on my number (till then I had my mobile phone) and told everything. I took my bike and went straight in the field where we use to play cricket. I knew somehow that I will find her brother there, and so it happened. I brought him back after making him understand that every one was so worried and everything will be alright if he returns. His parents were very happy to see him and her tears of sorrow also got replaced by smile. Her parents were thanking me big time unknown to it that I had my reward already in her smile. Then I noticed that in that mob which was gathered, there were few boys who were her brother's friend. They were staring at her which I didn't like and commanded her to go upstairs which she followed unconditionally. I didn't know why I did that and why she followed it but there was that thing, unknown, unanswered. It was one of those little incidents which had a life changing capacity but you don't know about it then.

Few days later her brother called me and said that some of his friends want to meet me as they want a cricket match with us. I went to the place of meeting with him which was near a masque and surrounded by dozen of streets from all sides. As I reached to the place I saw that there were at least 20 boys in a hall. they came to me and dragged me from my bike.I understood what's gonna be next because I had fought many street fights like this and had arranged many settings like this for many, when I was a part of our bully gang. I just covered my head with my hand and soon I was on ground they were hitting me from every corner. Few on my legs, few in stomach, and many on my face and head. After 10 minutes or so they stopped and left her brother too whom they had covered not to interrupt in. He was aghast, saying sorry to me continuously and that, he was unknown to whatever they had planned. when I stood up I identified one of the boy who was present on that day when I said go upstairs to Roli. I went close to him and asked, " Why?" He replied, " keep away from her." I took my bike and came back home thinking what to do now. I had plenty in mind who on just one word will come with me to do the same with each one of them involved in this. But it was related to her. Did she knew it? Did she talk to that boy? and many more things were there in mind. I went in front of mirror and saw that my face was swollen and my back was full with footprints of shoes. I knew that I can't hide it from mom and so happened. When she returned home at night I told her everything. She told papa and he went to her house straight after listening all of it. I was hearing that he was shouting at her father that to take control of his girl and boys. Which kind of parents they are that their children plan conspiracies against others. It went along for half an hour. Then he came to me and asked that which place was it where it all happened. I told him and he went away. After to days I came to know that they had the same what they did to me. each one of them asked sorry to papa for what they did. Papa told me later that their leader was saying just one thing, "your boy is made of something else. we beat him so much but he asked only one thing instead of crying or abusing or doing anything is that, Why you are doing this, and he was shocked by it at that time." All this was forgotten in few days and we stopped talking to each other, even our parents stopped. In few months Roli passed her 12th examination and got full marks in her biology practicals. I also moved into last year of my graduation. But biggest thing which happened was that we left that house and moved few streets right to that road. Everything was over but still it use to come often in my mind that was he, her boyfriend? Did she talked to him? But now may be all this was useless.

I was not feeling good there. So my parents decided to send me to Allahabad for my further studies. In Summer of 2005 I came to Allahabad and joined a coaching to improve my English. Those footprints from my back were no more visible now but that print of her dark black hair which converts into brown after drying up, that touch of her soft white fingers when she was giving me that biology practical file and those tears which were soaked into smile when she saw her brother, were impossible to erase from my memory. I had it decided, I will spend my lifetime with her.

3- The balcony girl: PRIYA (ROLI) (1)

Now you know that I was just 13 when I had my first kiss. I won't blame inexperienced ones, but those who are aware of it, must understand that till your feeling is not involved in any physical act such as I had, its unable to make you feel anything, even near to what it feels like when you do it with all your emotions intact. So it was for me. That casual encounter meant nothing to me actually, no matter how it felt at that time.

We shifted our home in the city, to a nearby location known as Japlinganj. On first day when we were shifting, I saw a girl in the house in front of our flat. Only her face was visible from the balcony, she was at. As it was on the first floor and ours' on ground. I was happy just by the fact that there is something interesting. I should tell you that by the time I was in 11th standard and I had not felt any kind of emotion which could be termed as love or even near to it till now. Prime reason of it was that the city, as I have told you being a small one, that too of very conservative means, not allows anything like that. My school as you remember being a boy's one, works as icing on the cake. Till the time I was totally spoiled in the company of bully gang and all the activities which can be considered in-genuine, I was involved with. My parents were working, because of which most of the time I spend at home alone, secluded from any kind of company, other than the movies and music of which I was an addict by then. It was year 2001 when  we shifted in that new house which soon we considered not fit for us. we wanted to get rid of it as soon as possible and were looking for a new one. It had two bedrooms, one inside and one in the entrance hall next to road. Till now I came to know that there was not one but 4 or 5 girls around. So understandably I was not interested much in shifting this house with another one. Although there were many options, I was more interested in the girl of the house in front, on the other side of the road. Whole surrounding and people living on that little road which stretches not more than 100 meters have made a colony like environment among them, even though it was not one. I came to know soon that her name was Priya but everyone called her Roli instead (her pet name). I hate to wake up early in the morning as 90 percent of us do (those who will be interested in my story), still started waking up as early as 6 a.m. the reason was Roli. Every morning at 6 she used to come down to catch her school bus and stand right in front of my window which opens on the road. I had set my bed right next to it, that whenever I feel to get a look of the balcony or road I don't even need to step down of my bed. After one month of shifting there it was my routine that I have to see her in the morning no matter how much I was in sleep and that happens without an alarm clock. When she used to come down, on the road she used to wish morning to her friends, that little faint voice was enough for me to wake me up. She was slim built with dark black eyes, skin so fair and soft that it could be felt even from that gap of 20 feet between her and me, on my window, so much so that even if I touch it even once, no more will I need. Hair long and dark black, complimenting her eyes. If a smile comes on her round little face then it was enough for me to skip that day for school and wonder around whole day, that probably she saw me gazing at her, because of which she smiled. She had all the traits of being a girl with whom I can dream of spending rest of my life. Soon I found time of her return from school also, and became fond to wait even then for her. One thing used to surprise me the most, that how is it possible that she looked fresh and lovely throughout the day as she looked in the morning, in-spite of the whole day in school. Simply because I used to change from a prince to pissed one, in that time, at mine. The only change which occurs in that time that her hair which used to be wet in the morning, dry up till then, and turn their color too, into dark brown from black. I was flat, dead of her charm, nothing else I was able to think of, beside her. There was only one thing in this whole world which I wanted to do is just to touch her once and just one time, talk to her. Just once I wanted that sweet mild voice to call for me or meant to talk with me for any reason whatsoever. I started spending most of the time in my room. I also placed my study table right in front of my bed, so that papa thinks that I was studying all the time. Eventually the same happened, my parents were happy that I have stopped roaming around with my friends and concentrating now on studies. In evening she used to come in her balcony and sit there for hours. While everyone else played I use to sit in my room and watch her seeing and smiling on the bunch playing down on the road. I should make you understand that though I can see her, she or anyone else was unable to see me through the window till I turn my room's lights on. I felt good about it earlier, that I can enjoy seeing her as much I want and as much she comes there, in her balcony which she can't even find out. 

One year passed like it and my parents were happier than ever because for the first time in my life I passed with first class marks in my annual exams. I had started studying even at night and that was the reason behind my results. But the reason behind that night study, was Roli. She used to study at night in her balcony for hours, as it was her board exams of 10th and so I used to do the same. There were many tiny problems in between which I encountered successfully. Like one I remember the most, at night I had to turn lights on because of which I can't watch her continuously as I could get exposed and she could have seen me, watching her. So I brought a curtain for my window and covered lower half with it. Still, I had to see her from the top of the curtain and she could see me. I was thinking what to do now, and right then came with a brilliant idea. I took The mosquito coil and burnt few holes in the curtain through which I could see her and that too on the proper location, even if I get tired and sleep, there should be one hole on every angel I change, so that she stays always in front of my eyes. I was happier than ever, she used to study whole night before her exam days and so do I. She passed with fair grades and so did I, in our respective board exams.

It was year 2003, two years spent like it and all the efforts of my parents leaving that house were in vein as I had declared that I won't. In these two years Roli never talked to me directly but I began to find out that somehow she knew that I use to watch her and even if she didn't, I want her to know now that I do. I had been very good friends with her brothers too in this time. As I was the best cricketer of that road and I was soon famous by the name of Sachin there. Nobody could even count that how many balls I had hit in her house which was considered as out, still was my favorite mode of getting out, and the reason was that the one who hits it, had to bring the ball back. 

We used to wear same color of clothes often, I don't know how it happend but if I took bath early and change my cloths, later she appears in the similar color and soon I started following it too. If she wears a color, I had to wear the same as well, how can I be the one to break the chain. A problem with it was that many times I had to rush to market to buy a similar color T-shirt or shirt she was wearing, because being a girl of course she had wide variety which I had to match up with. I wanted to ask her once if she had similar feelings for me but in-spite of 99 percent chances of success I was unable to do so. what if I proved wrong  and everything is just coincident. How will I face her afterwards if she said 'NO'.Then one day just like that, the day came. 

Those were the times when mobile phones were not popular. we even didn't had a land line number as my parents were planning to leave the house anytime possible.  I was playing Badminton with her brother. It was month of November in 2003. Cold chilly day, still I was sweating heavily and damp with it. Her brother was beating me easily as he used to do often (How could I win from him, as I never wanted to make him feel inferior to me by loosing and make him feel bad, he was her brother). Roli came to me and said her first words, not a word, the whole sentence meant only for me, Her voice coming out for the sake of calling me, the same voice which was waking me up for last two years, keeping me awake late at nights. Those lips which were the chief cause of licking mine all the time to look as shining as they looked, touched each other for the first time for calling me, and she said, " Sachin BHAIYA aapki call aai hai (there is a call for you brother).  I was shattered, finished, ended, unable to move and understand that what should I do. To feel happy that she talked me for the first time or should go to receive the call or to cry that why that call even came. "BHAIYA! aap aa rhe ho? (are you coming)" she called again. "BHAIYA" (Brother)

Continue....

2- Physical abuse, emotional effect: SANDHYA, KANGAN AND SCHOOL FRIENDS

 Generally if you ask anyone about best days of their lives, reply comes as, school days or childhood days, but there were few incidents which mark an unforgettable imprint on our minds which we tend to forget and skip to share even with our own concise and so we forget it eventually. But, for an intensely emotional boy like me incidents  use to become impossible to forget, that too, when they are related to intense mental and emotional involvement.
After leaving Bahraich, we came to Ballia and started living in a colony beside the famous Bhrigu temple of the city. The first incident is related to my 5th birthday which was also the first in my hometown. All the relatives were called for the occasion and a good number gathered for the day at our village home in Bailadih. As every child use to be, I was very excited for the day and gifts. One of my cousin sister Sandhya was also there. She was at least 10 years older than me that time and we used to play with each other a lot. Two days prior to my birthday, everyone was out for preparations when I was playing with others of my age. Sandhya called me and said that she is getting bored alone and wants to play with me. I didn't want to play because I was doing pretty good in hide and seek with my friends and it was my turn to search others now, about which I was excited. She forced that if I won't play she will leave right then and never return. On hearing this I agreed and we started playing ludo. It was month of October and the weather was awesome neither hot nor cold. Cool breeze was blowing from the window which she ordered me to close and I followed. After some time she removed her top complaining that it's hot, on which I suggested to open the window which she denied. When I lost my first square she ordered me to remove my clothes too. On listening this I hesitated and tried to escape, but in vein, as door was locked already. Knowing that I won't do it she started doing it herself, I was struggling continuously to escape and crying. Suddenly she slapped me hard with all force she had, and may be because of the anguish she was feeling at that time. I felt her 5 fingers on my cheek burning. I stopped crying but can't control sobbing. She did whatever she could to force me amuse her which I followed, fearing that I may get another slap like that if not followed. By the time she was done with it, I also stopped sobbing, why, I don't remember. She asked me to promise not to discuss it with anyone even with my parents, else they will also beat me for the same. I promised her not to do so, which is broken now. My birthday came, I got many gifts but was not happy.

I joined a boys school in my city and as I have told you that my mother takes care of it a lot that I look best in the bunch unknown that it has it's problems as well. I was one of the smartest in my school, not in studies, but by looks and by the merits of excuses I used to have for skipping classes and not completing my home work. My teachers beat me almost every day as it was a school famous for it's discipline. In that disciplined crowd I was the one revolutionary and used to pay for those little revolutions as I paid for my looks and tidiness too. In my school there were no girls, so good looking boys used to be targets of the bullies. I was one of there prime target and suffered thoroughly throughout my schooldays. Now I wish that I meet them once and then I will teach them how it feels to be pinched always unreasonably. But it can be understood that it was not them at fault, it's the suppression of their inborn feelings, suppressed under strict regulations of our boys school.

Now I will tell you the prime incident I remember of my early days which drew an impact on my mind about how we think of sexuality and love as an inherent part of it. That was my cousin brother's marriage in the nearby town of Gazipur. On the outskirts of Gazipur and Balia there is a village named Tajpur Dehma, my cousin's village, where we visited for the marriage. I was 13 years old by then and it was year 1999. Though I was still in that same boy's school I have learnt a lot about girl's in these days from my friends who have stopped pinching me because that boy with all the cuteness and charm had been converted into a prime member of a bully group. Amit was chief of us who used to explain about girls in such a way that our eyes remain open throughout, and he gets rewarded by the best lunchbox to eat. I also feel excited when we used to talk about fantasies with various famous actresses of the time. Those were the days when we can't even think in our fantasies about the girls around us and the reason was the strict conservative thinking of not only our school but the whole city in which I was. Everyday we hear that this and that were loving each other and got savagely slain by there own parents, which not even came in news, to public. So there was no scope for love in the school as it was a boy's.

As my cousin was from my maternal half I came to meet with many new people who were there for the marriage from his parental side. There were few girls too, about which obviously I was excited. Endowed with the everlasting cuteness, thanks to God and my parents I was a central point of concern among the girls gathered there. One girl from the bunch was Kangan who seem good and interesting enough for me, to be interested in her.She had bright white skin and in spite of living in village, which generally crushes all youth charms, she looked quite rejuvenating. Our feelings for each other was visible to everyone and we often got taunts like (lagta hain inki shadi karani hi padegi) 'looks like they'll have to be married'. There was no need to say anything like, I like you or love you to each other, we were aware of it. There was one night when we got a chance to sleep side by side with few other relatives sleeping nearby. It happened so that I used to sleep everyday in the same room, but she slept in another one. That night she suddenly came in  the room where I was sleeping and slept in the other corner. It was the month of December and winter was on full blossom. we were in our respective blankets and three other relatives were sleeping in between. Those three were looking like three monsters of any devil story that day or peaks of highest mountains impossible to cross. Thinking of it that why she came in my room and how will I reach to her I don't know when I fell asleep. Around 1 am at night I awoke sensing that somebody is pinching me continuously. When I turned over, it was Kangan pinching me, I was shocked and nearly shouted that how you crossed three of them but controlled. She asked me, "Do you like me?" and with no surprises I answered in yes. We kissed each other passionately for so many times that it felt like forever. We were in each others arm and the month felt like of June which you know was of December. What next? All the fantasies were there in front of me to fulfill and no one to stop. I asked her to come in my blanket, so she did. I was feeling every bit of her, it was like the best game I had ever played, and you must know that I was a freak for games. We were about to move on with it, where all barriers brake. I leave rest of it to your imagination how I must be feeling at that time. Just then Kangan asked me something. I have already told you that I was best in making excuses in my school. Still I was unable to do the same in answer of her question. I just had to tell a lie, which I have spoken a thousand times at least now, to various girls. But that night in answer of that question I was unable to say anything. I still remember that hardest question till date I have faced in my life, she asked a question which may be every down to earth and simple village girl will ask in exchange of everything she had to give me at that moment. Kanchan asked, " Will you marry me?" I don't know what happened to me I was not able to utter a single word. It was not like impossible to marry her but something inside me knew that it won't be possible as my parents have better dreams for me.Today I have married various times just like that, and those marriages have no meaning as I am no more with those girls but at that moment I was unable to say, Yes, i will. I was unable to lie to that innocence, ready to do whatever I wanted just in exchange of a word, Yes.  I replied, " I have to go to bathroom." She moved aside and I went out of the room. It was chilly out there and after the hot encounter I had, it felt even chillier. I went to bathroom and on return slept beside my father in the room next to the one Kangan was waiting for me, for my answer. Next morning I woke up late,I saw her helping her mother in preparations. I ignored her and joined my friends. Marriage was over, I came back to Ballia, in school, fantasizing about girls with my friends but there was one difference now, I was providing few details which they were shocked to listen and concerned to know how I knew all this. Amit was envy, and best lunchbox was mine now. Kangan got married eventually and is mother of two cute baby girls now, as I use to hear about her time to time from those three relatives who were sleeping between me and her, that night .

1- Childhood experiences, now understood: SWEETY

As a kid I was very active and inactive, earlier at home and later in school. Without telling you much how people used to admire and appreciate my cuteness above par which was entirely an effort of my mother, let's come directly on the experiences I want to tell about. It was year 1989 and I was 3 years old, the only memory I had of that time is how much I got beaten on a childhood offence of touching a girl (a bit privately). The town in which I born is named Baharaich in U.P. Our home was in a government colony with broad green pathways and big trees loaded with fruits. Inside our house which was a large apartment of two bedrooms a guava tree was there which use to be full of guavas all throughout the year and I used to distribute them to my neighbors roaming around in the colony on my bicycle. It was then when I came in contact with the cute girl of shrivastava's family named sweety. She had all the attributes of her name as much I can recollect, she was about my age, having bright soft skin with hazel eyes which always used to be full of water which I liked the most. 
On a rainy day after my daily exercise of distributing guavas we decided to play "Doctor-Doctor", a popular and exciting game for a 3 year old. we had full kit prepared for the game, and after doing all the primary preparations, doctor ( which was me of course) decided to give a dose of anesthesia to the patient (sweety) before operation. With all the power of imagination in me at that time I concluded that it could be given only into bum, as we use to have it often from doctors. So as needed she removed her cute little pink skirt and as I was putting the plastic syringe into her body I felt an unknown charm of touching her skin. It was soft pink and full of little little pores which can be felt easily, may be due to the same excitement she was feeling at that time. We were through it and just then her parents came from market. Although we had already prepared for it that the whole game will be played below her bed, we got exposed. Complaint got lodged to my mom too. As I reached home I got beaten severely for the act. mom tide my both legs and ordered me to walk like it, I wept a lot, frightened that may be they will abandon me now for the act, as she promised. 
This was my first experience of touching a girl, the pleasure in it, the pain afterwards and life moved along. After two years my father got transferred and we moved to my hometown Ballia U.P. I was not by any intention doing anything wrong that day, it was a moment presented before me in which with all innocence possible I was enjoying it. I never felt or nobody, even a famed criminal could feel pleasure in committing any crime for the first time. So even I didn't feel anything at that moment, beside shear pleasure. If it was wrong why I felt good? If not why I got beaten? its still unanswered, and no matter how much we discuss I can't be proved guilty, I was 3 years old that's why it wasn't right, the reason is that it's always right it's just society and it's rules in which we live today have made it wrong, as that society was my mother that day. Today I don't know anything about sweety or her family or even about my home in that colony or what happens to those guavas now. I just remember all of that because of that one moment, that one incident, that one girl, sweety.

love,pain,sex,pleasure and life : my story- 'prologue'

I am sharing my story with you, from today and every day, one chapter of it will be published here on my blog. The reason behind sharing it is an old saying, that pain decreases and pleasure increases by sharing. Its not for everyone, especially, people with socialist and shrewd mentality, its just for a limited audience, people who belong to today's generation of unrest, and rat race runners behind money and love or whatever you name it. after going through this i am sure that today's youth will be able to connect themselves, even if not wholly, but a part of their lives called love.
Although the stories are not completely true, name of the characters are fictitious for the sake of their personal benefits. Name of places are not original. If any resemblance is sought it will be coincidental.
forwarding to you now, in hope that you will enjoy and appreciate it.

-Deepak kr upadhyay (daku)