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It was February 2011, I was sitting in fresher's function of our college. As I was enjoying curtain raisers, a dance performance got announced. A girl wearing white saree with red border, red kumkum and red bangles appeared on stage. It was hard to tell that weather her face was glowing whiter or her saree, which she was wearing. Red bindi of her forehead was not as red as her lips, that's for sure. Her skin was glowing brighter than the lights on the stage, eyes, light brown were making to feel like ground dusk is appearing in her eyes continuously and one could easily see through her eyes what's there in her heart. Hair, not much long or short but just about the perfect length, smooth like butter and golden, more than gold, were moving so freely here and there that watching them continuously was enough to hypnotize someone. Her dance moves were as mixed up with western and classical as it was hard to concentrate on one quality of her attire. She was about 5'4" but looked much taller than that in saree. The dance in which she was enacting some goddess, even if the goddess could have seen her, once should have thought to acquire her physical form.
I know, I was not supposed to see her like that as a good teacher, but all this moral thoughts about life were long forbidden by me. I solely believed in choice of my heart and authority of my mind, not societies .I was not seeing her as an object of pleasure as I used to do few days back, it was just a moment and in Keats' line, "A thing of beauty is a joy forever." I had seen her even earlier, she was in one of my classes I was teaching at that time, but never like this. She was like totally transformed into someone else. I congratulated her after the performance, for it. She humbly thanked with a smile. I was unable to stop my urge to talk to her. I called her in evening and she told me that she was going in bus to her hometown. Throughout the journey we talked about things which didn't matter at all at that time, but we talked. In about one week we knew that we couldn't stop this urge to be in touch with each other all the time. This feeling was not new to me but it's revisit was even more thrilling and exciting. During the classes she used to make me laugh by smiling and I mostly used to smile back as I was unable to control once seen her 1000 watt smile. When I didn't smile back, she used to make her face like a monster and tries all the tricks, and after all sits silently with swollen cheeks. By seeing it, I was unable to control anymore and used to smile back. She loved her win at last. After my classes in her class for that semester we started dating and were formally in a relationship. She was a hosteler so she used to spend almost all the weekends with me. One year passed like it and I was very happy by the way things were going. Even my parents met her in one of their visit. She was not of my cast but our dedication to each other never let this creep in as a problem. We were sure that we will be together always, no matter what. Almost whole college knew about us now, but we were unknown and more than that fearless to it.
I was not so sure about our future earlier, as much I became after spending this one year with her. She was so childish and sweet that more than loving her I was worried for her and cared for her a lot. She loved non-veg and I didn't even had an egg throughout my life, still on Sundays to see her happy I always brought it. She was the one who really made me smile, laugh, dream and care for something, again, after years. We were happiest in this whole world, we never wanted anything beside each other, We loved each other like mads, days and nights, without worrying about anything happening outside. In each other's arm it felt like, every second which is passing we could have counted it, and still how hours passed, we were unknown to it. I wrote my first romantic love poem in her arms, I want you to feel all the passion which I had for her in this poem, titled, "May be physical only",-
“She lies very near to me,
Yet had some fear in thee,
Wondering what will I do?
Make her gay or let just woe.”
“Movement of her glittering lips,
Invited me and then she strips,
Lengthy we meet rarely apart,
And here the worldly love may start.”
“Her hands are slippery over my chest,
Feeling then get I one of the best,
Watching the wonders, never imagined before,
My soul is in heaven and body starts to shore.”
“Her blossoms are calm,
Like a resting child,
Suddenly as I touched,
They become wild,
I am in her and she stays in me,
Nothing more I wanted,
Nothing more can be.”
“We meet like sylphs,
And our body gave it berth,
This love gets eternal,
Nowhere else then earth,”
“Sleeping like an angel,
She looks very bright;
Our love is stable,
Having gained a new height.”
It was not love for the first time, yet it felt like I never felt even half of it all the times earlier. I was getting it now that only physically being with someone and being with someone when you love that one with all the emotions, feeling and love you have, are entirely different things. I never said any lies to her, I had decided that I will be with her with all the truths. After knowing about my past she was little disappointed but soon our feelings which used to cover up all other things got it over and with a promise that we will never lie to each other and will be with each other forever, we were in each others lap again. We had our share of fights too on trivial matters but all that used to lost in front of our love.
Two things we always used to say to each other, She used to say that one day I will go, and you will always miss me but I could not return. And I always told her that people are endowed with power of loving someone only once, I am so lucky that I got this chance twice.
After Roli, I was shattered and had became a monster, but you saved me from that, now I feel happy to share everything I had with you. All the love left in me, my feelings, emotions everything, just don't ever leave me or I will be left living only with flesh and breath, empty , and my soul will be lost forever this time.
All was going well till May 2012. Biggest turnover in my life started right in this month. On a fine afternoon when I was busy doing my work in college, my phone rang. Hello, the voice wished, I said, hello who's this? You don't even remember my voice now, a girl, in her very sweet voice, asked. I replied, sorry. I am Roli. How are you, I am in Allahabad, I got your number from Facebook. I want to meet you. She was talking continuously but I was lost in time, three years back in my memory lane. Last time I talked her, how I cut the phone, what she did to me, how she lied to me, how she treated me, and most important of it all, what I became afterwards. Soon I went even back in my memory and then the time we spent together came in my mind. The same voice I used to hear and identify even if I hear it faintly, I was unable to identify it now, even on phone. I want to meet you idiot, I missed you, Suddenly her voice brought me back. Yes why not, when? I asked. She said, whenever you are free. Right now, I told. Right now? but how? where are you? she asked. I said, wherever you are, just tell me, I will reach there.
Here she was. welcoming me outside her hostel. She brought her hand forward and said hi. Instead of shaking hands with her I grabbed her hand and said, you have become thinner, don't you take care of yourself. It was unintentional, but that formality of shaking hands and all appeared useless at that time, I felt like she was with me just last month and I had gone to Dehradun to meet her. Where do you live here? I want to see, she asked breaking chain of my thoughts. Why not, I said. She asked, when? Right now was again my answer.
We were in my room. It felt like the same as we used to be in Hotel Gaurav in Dehradoon. Nothing felt different. She cooked for me for the first time. We eat. Laughed remembering old good times we shared. None of us asked about the way it ended, it not appeared necessary. As I was telling her how my life followed after her, suddenly a tear drop appeared on my cheek, She came close to me and kissed me there, and took me in her arms. We didn't leave each other afterwards, till next morning.
When I woke up and the thought of what I did last night came in my mind, I started feeling a stone on my heart. Burden of it was not letting me breath. I had done it thousand times till now. I had played this love game with a dozen but this time it was different. One was my childhood love and desire of life, Roli, and second was the girl who illuminated the light of happiness again to me, Bhumi. One was my passion and the other was care. I was tangled I knew I love both of them but it was not possible..
I decided that if I make both of them meet each other and put the truth in front of them, some or other way will come out. I will tell them everything truly and then, will see what happens. I knew it was hard to do but I also knew that truth never goes waste. As I was deciding what to do, Bhumika's name appeared on my phone. I picked up the call. What she told me then, it was hard to believe. She said that her parents had beat her up and she had left her home and will now be with me. I didn't knew what to do and I didn't knew that what I was going to tell her will be the most regretful statement of my life. I told her, Roli is at my room, I can't come there to pick you up, if you want to, you can come. I heard her sobbing. She did not said a single sentence and cut the phone by just saying, o.k. I instantly felt that I had committed the biggest mistake of my life. A girl who came to me by leaving even her parent's, I denied even to take her up. But I was unable to take my words back. I could give the most precious thing I have, for just one chance to reverse that moment and that day.
After one month Bhumika came to Allahabad spending her holidays. As I had planned earlier, I decided a date for them to meet. When Bhumika came to my room, Roli was already there. They said hi to each other.
We don't know at that time about few moments, that they will be life changing for us later. The same moment was it, which I later understood. We ordered Pizza and our conversation started. I said, you both know the truth and I have brought both of you here because I don't want to suffer anymore in my life. Right then a tear drop rolled on my cheek, As Bhumi tried to come up and wipe that, Roli wiped it with her hanky. A similar drop appeared on Bhumi's cheeks. I wanted to wipe it out but she said, So, continue, what were you saying? I am o.k. and wiped it herself. I continued..
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