12- The last love- BHUMIKA (2)

I told them how I was living like a beast feeding on emotions of people. I cried throughout. All the condensed clusters and fog of suppressed pain which I was carrying inside me, in these three years was coming out. In the end I said, I don't know what to do but this is everything I ever felt. I wanted both of them to feel me and the things I had dealt with. I saw that Bhumi was also crying in between by seeing me cry and Roli saying sorry throughout. Sometimes later Bhumi stood up and said that she was leaving as she can't bear anymore, and she left. I said Roli also to leave as I wanted to be alone. As she left I called Bhumi and asked her to come back to me. She returned and we made love to each other, she had eyes full of tears and I had my heart empty from all the feelings after spilling out the pain which was the last feeling occupying my heart.
Few weeks later I kept dating Roli and also stayed in touch with Bhumi. Neither they decided anything nor I was in a situation to do so. I was happy although by the fact that I have spoken truth to them but unknown to the price I was about to pay for this truth.

One day when Roli and I was having a sip of tea at my place when Bhumi called. Roli picked up the phone and started shouting, Why you don't leave us alone and all such crap. I asked her not to say anything to Bhumi or she will be severely hurt which I had done a lot, but I won't accept that someone else hurts her. In spite of that she continued shouting on her. I snatched the phone and threw it away. I asked Roli to leave, right then. I don't want to see you again ever. She said she won't go till I don't tell her that what was going through. I had to choose between her and Bhumi. I replied, Bhumi never asked me to choose. She was with me at the time I was in worst phase and you were the reason of that phase and still I hurt her because of you. Just gate out and never show me your face again. She started begging and crying not to leave her like this. The girl I wanted to spend rest of my life with, from last 8 years was begging me to stay with her. I knew now that it's not the people, it's not their charm, it's not there emotions or feelings or behavior or anything, which makes you love them. It's your care, your feelings and your emotions which pushes you to love that person. My feelings for Roli had died long ago, three years back in those two months of suffering and I was just carrying a dead burden of those feelings on my shoulders. I grabbed her by arm and pushed out of my house. I still cared for her that how bad she must be feeling at that time but not loved her for certain. My love, my Bhumi was hurt and broken, earlier by me and now by Roli.

I wanted to talk to Bhumi but my phone was lost as I threw it away on road from my balcony. I went to search it but all in vain. I went to a telephone booth, asked sorry for whatever Roli said and for my surprise she said, it's o.k. That day I felt the worse in my entire life. I wanted to just grab her and hug her so tightly that no one can take us apart, but it was not possible. I knew I had lost my last love.

It's 2013. I started writing this story because, if you remember, as I had said earlier, I am not very good at making friends. I use to be silent for most of the time everyday. I just wanted to speak. To connect whatever is there in me with you, my readers. There are many things in my life which I could have shared with you, but I wanted to share these stories of my love. In my life by grace of God I have been endowed with every possible happiness, beside one, and that's me keeping my loved ones happy. I always hurt each and everyone who loved me. I don't want to love anyone anymore, just because I know that I'll hurt that person too. I don't even want your sympathies for this, I just want that you read all of this and take care of the fact that, "No matter what comes to your way, no matter what happens and what are the circumstances, never hurt the one you love, let him or her hurt you as much as they can and bear it with a smile, just remember that even if they are hurting you, there love increases with it, and it's always better to get hurt with the person you love rather getting hurt without the one.

Today, I don't have any contact with Roli, I heard from a friend that she got married in May this year. I did not even know the date or day when my dream girl choose someone else for the lifetime. I don't even care.

Today, I talk to Bhumika often, as always she is worried for me that what will happen to me once she will leave me. She is getting married anytime this year. She use to tell me about her about to be husband and I use to give her suggestions on few things, she likes to ask me about her new life and plans. I always use to tell her  that don't worry for me and just be happy in her new life. From bottom of my heart I just want to see her happy, anyhow, anywhere with anyone. I don't want to see her hurt or in pain as she was with me. It's only me, I can accept to hurt her, no one else. I use to remember the one thing Bhumika always used to say to me, 'One day I'll leave you and no matter how much you want, I won't come back to you. I know it now that no matter how much she try, she can't come back. I love her and so I have to leave her.

Today, I am just as alone as I had been from last 15 years. I use to be silent, almost entirely now. It's o.k. I am familiar with this lonesomeness, I have mastered it.