3- The balcony girl: PRIYA (ROLI) (1)

Now you know that I was just 13 when I had my first kiss. I won't blame inexperienced ones, but those who are aware of it, must understand that till your feeling is not involved in any physical act such as I had, its unable to make you feel anything, even near to what it feels like when you do it with all your emotions intact. So it was for me. That casual encounter meant nothing to me actually, no matter how it felt at that time.

We shifted our home in the city, to a nearby location known as Japlinganj. On first day when we were shifting, I saw a girl in the house in front of our flat. Only her face was visible from the balcony, she was at. As it was on the first floor and ours' on ground. I was happy just by the fact that there is something interesting. I should tell you that by the time I was in 11th standard and I had not felt any kind of emotion which could be termed as love or even near to it till now. Prime reason of it was that the city, as I have told you being a small one, that too of very conservative means, not allows anything like that. My school as you remember being a boy's one, works as icing on the cake. Till the time I was totally spoiled in the company of bully gang and all the activities which can be considered in-genuine, I was involved with. My parents were working, because of which most of the time I spend at home alone, secluded from any kind of company, other than the movies and music of which I was an addict by then. It was year 2001 when  we shifted in that new house which soon we considered not fit for us. we wanted to get rid of it as soon as possible and were looking for a new one. It had two bedrooms, one inside and one in the entrance hall next to road. Till now I came to know that there was not one but 4 or 5 girls around. So understandably I was not interested much in shifting this house with another one. Although there were many options, I was more interested in the girl of the house in front, on the other side of the road. Whole surrounding and people living on that little road which stretches not more than 100 meters have made a colony like environment among them, even though it was not one. I came to know soon that her name was Priya but everyone called her Roli instead (her pet name). I hate to wake up early in the morning as 90 percent of us do (those who will be interested in my story), still started waking up as early as 6 a.m. the reason was Roli. Every morning at 6 she used to come down to catch her school bus and stand right in front of my window which opens on the road. I had set my bed right next to it, that whenever I feel to get a look of the balcony or road I don't even need to step down of my bed. After one month of shifting there it was my routine that I have to see her in the morning no matter how much I was in sleep and that happens without an alarm clock. When she used to come down, on the road she used to wish morning to her friends, that little faint voice was enough for me to wake me up. She was slim built with dark black eyes, skin so fair and soft that it could be felt even from that gap of 20 feet between her and me, on my window, so much so that even if I touch it even once, no more will I need. Hair long and dark black, complimenting her eyes. If a smile comes on her round little face then it was enough for me to skip that day for school and wonder around whole day, that probably she saw me gazing at her, because of which she smiled. She had all the traits of being a girl with whom I can dream of spending rest of my life. Soon I found time of her return from school also, and became fond to wait even then for her. One thing used to surprise me the most, that how is it possible that she looked fresh and lovely throughout the day as she looked in the morning, in-spite of the whole day in school. Simply because I used to change from a prince to pissed one, in that time, at mine. The only change which occurs in that time that her hair which used to be wet in the morning, dry up till then, and turn their color too, into dark brown from black. I was flat, dead of her charm, nothing else I was able to think of, beside her. There was only one thing in this whole world which I wanted to do is just to touch her once and just one time, talk to her. Just once I wanted that sweet mild voice to call for me or meant to talk with me for any reason whatsoever. I started spending most of the time in my room. I also placed my study table right in front of my bed, so that papa thinks that I was studying all the time. Eventually the same happened, my parents were happy that I have stopped roaming around with my friends and concentrating now on studies. In evening she used to come in her balcony and sit there for hours. While everyone else played I use to sit in my room and watch her seeing and smiling on the bunch playing down on the road. I should make you understand that though I can see her, she or anyone else was unable to see me through the window till I turn my room's lights on. I felt good about it earlier, that I can enjoy seeing her as much I want and as much she comes there, in her balcony which she can't even find out. 

One year passed like it and my parents were happier than ever because for the first time in my life I passed with first class marks in my annual exams. I had started studying even at night and that was the reason behind my results. But the reason behind that night study, was Roli. She used to study at night in her balcony for hours, as it was her board exams of 10th and so I used to do the same. There were many tiny problems in between which I encountered successfully. Like one I remember the most, at night I had to turn lights on because of which I can't watch her continuously as I could get exposed and she could have seen me, watching her. So I brought a curtain for my window and covered lower half with it. Still, I had to see her from the top of the curtain and she could see me. I was thinking what to do now, and right then came with a brilliant idea. I took The mosquito coil and burnt few holes in the curtain through which I could see her and that too on the proper location, even if I get tired and sleep, there should be one hole on every angel I change, so that she stays always in front of my eyes. I was happier than ever, she used to study whole night before her exam days and so do I. She passed with fair grades and so did I, in our respective board exams.

It was year 2003, two years spent like it and all the efforts of my parents leaving that house were in vein as I had declared that I won't. In these two years Roli never talked to me directly but I began to find out that somehow she knew that I use to watch her and even if she didn't, I want her to know now that I do. I had been very good friends with her brothers too in this time. As I was the best cricketer of that road and I was soon famous by the name of Sachin there. Nobody could even count that how many balls I had hit in her house which was considered as out, still was my favorite mode of getting out, and the reason was that the one who hits it, had to bring the ball back. 

We used to wear same color of clothes often, I don't know how it happend but if I took bath early and change my cloths, later she appears in the similar color and soon I started following it too. If she wears a color, I had to wear the same as well, how can I be the one to break the chain. A problem with it was that many times I had to rush to market to buy a similar color T-shirt or shirt she was wearing, because being a girl of course she had wide variety which I had to match up with. I wanted to ask her once if she had similar feelings for me but in-spite of 99 percent chances of success I was unable to do so. what if I proved wrong  and everything is just coincident. How will I face her afterwards if she said 'NO'.Then one day just like that, the day came. 

Those were the times when mobile phones were not popular. we even didn't had a land line number as my parents were planning to leave the house anytime possible.  I was playing Badminton with her brother. It was month of November in 2003. Cold chilly day, still I was sweating heavily and damp with it. Her brother was beating me easily as he used to do often (How could I win from him, as I never wanted to make him feel inferior to me by loosing and make him feel bad, he was her brother). Roli came to me and said her first words, not a word, the whole sentence meant only for me, Her voice coming out for the sake of calling me, the same voice which was waking me up for last two years, keeping me awake late at nights. Those lips which were the chief cause of licking mine all the time to look as shining as they looked, touched each other for the first time for calling me, and she said, " Sachin BHAIYA aapki call aai hai (there is a call for you brother).  I was shattered, finished, ended, unable to move and understand that what should I do. To feel happy that she talked me for the first time or should go to receive the call or to cry that why that call even came. "BHAIYA! aap aa rhe ho? (are you coming)" she called again. "BHAIYA" (Brother)

Continue....

2- Physical abuse, emotional effect: SANDHYA, KANGAN AND SCHOOL FRIENDS

 Generally if you ask anyone about best days of their lives, reply comes as, school days or childhood days, but there were few incidents which mark an unforgettable imprint on our minds which we tend to forget and skip to share even with our own concise and so we forget it eventually. But, for an intensely emotional boy like me incidents  use to become impossible to forget, that too, when they are related to intense mental and emotional involvement.
After leaving Bahraich, we came to Ballia and started living in a colony beside the famous Bhrigu temple of the city. The first incident is related to my 5th birthday which was also the first in my hometown. All the relatives were called for the occasion and a good number gathered for the day at our village home in Bailadih. As every child use to be, I was very excited for the day and gifts. One of my cousin sister Sandhya was also there. She was at least 10 years older than me that time and we used to play with each other a lot. Two days prior to my birthday, everyone was out for preparations when I was playing with others of my age. Sandhya called me and said that she is getting bored alone and wants to play with me. I didn't want to play because I was doing pretty good in hide and seek with my friends and it was my turn to search others now, about which I was excited. She forced that if I won't play she will leave right then and never return. On hearing this I agreed and we started playing ludo. It was month of October and the weather was awesome neither hot nor cold. Cool breeze was blowing from the window which she ordered me to close and I followed. After some time she removed her top complaining that it's hot, on which I suggested to open the window which she denied. When I lost my first square she ordered me to remove my clothes too. On listening this I hesitated and tried to escape, but in vein, as door was locked already. Knowing that I won't do it she started doing it herself, I was struggling continuously to escape and crying. Suddenly she slapped me hard with all force she had, and may be because of the anguish she was feeling at that time. I felt her 5 fingers on my cheek burning. I stopped crying but can't control sobbing. She did whatever she could to force me amuse her which I followed, fearing that I may get another slap like that if not followed. By the time she was done with it, I also stopped sobbing, why, I don't remember. She asked me to promise not to discuss it with anyone even with my parents, else they will also beat me for the same. I promised her not to do so, which is broken now. My birthday came, I got many gifts but was not happy.

I joined a boys school in my city and as I have told you that my mother takes care of it a lot that I look best in the bunch unknown that it has it's problems as well. I was one of the smartest in my school, not in studies, but by looks and by the merits of excuses I used to have for skipping classes and not completing my home work. My teachers beat me almost every day as it was a school famous for it's discipline. In that disciplined crowd I was the one revolutionary and used to pay for those little revolutions as I paid for my looks and tidiness too. In my school there were no girls, so good looking boys used to be targets of the bullies. I was one of there prime target and suffered thoroughly throughout my schooldays. Now I wish that I meet them once and then I will teach them how it feels to be pinched always unreasonably. But it can be understood that it was not them at fault, it's the suppression of their inborn feelings, suppressed under strict regulations of our boys school.

Now I will tell you the prime incident I remember of my early days which drew an impact on my mind about how we think of sexuality and love as an inherent part of it. That was my cousin brother's marriage in the nearby town of Gazipur. On the outskirts of Gazipur and Balia there is a village named Tajpur Dehma, my cousin's village, where we visited for the marriage. I was 13 years old by then and it was year 1999. Though I was still in that same boy's school I have learnt a lot about girl's in these days from my friends who have stopped pinching me because that boy with all the cuteness and charm had been converted into a prime member of a bully group. Amit was chief of us who used to explain about girls in such a way that our eyes remain open throughout, and he gets rewarded by the best lunchbox to eat. I also feel excited when we used to talk about fantasies with various famous actresses of the time. Those were the days when we can't even think in our fantasies about the girls around us and the reason was the strict conservative thinking of not only our school but the whole city in which I was. Everyday we hear that this and that were loving each other and got savagely slain by there own parents, which not even came in news, to public. So there was no scope for love in the school as it was a boy's.

As my cousin was from my maternal half I came to meet with many new people who were there for the marriage from his parental side. There were few girls too, about which obviously I was excited. Endowed with the everlasting cuteness, thanks to God and my parents I was a central point of concern among the girls gathered there. One girl from the bunch was Kangan who seem good and interesting enough for me, to be interested in her.She had bright white skin and in spite of living in village, which generally crushes all youth charms, she looked quite rejuvenating. Our feelings for each other was visible to everyone and we often got taunts like (lagta hain inki shadi karani hi padegi) 'looks like they'll have to be married'. There was no need to say anything like, I like you or love you to each other, we were aware of it. There was one night when we got a chance to sleep side by side with few other relatives sleeping nearby. It happened so that I used to sleep everyday in the same room, but she slept in another one. That night she suddenly came in  the room where I was sleeping and slept in the other corner. It was the month of December and winter was on full blossom. we were in our respective blankets and three other relatives were sleeping in between. Those three were looking like three monsters of any devil story that day or peaks of highest mountains impossible to cross. Thinking of it that why she came in my room and how will I reach to her I don't know when I fell asleep. Around 1 am at night I awoke sensing that somebody is pinching me continuously. When I turned over, it was Kangan pinching me, I was shocked and nearly shouted that how you crossed three of them but controlled. She asked me, "Do you like me?" and with no surprises I answered in yes. We kissed each other passionately for so many times that it felt like forever. We were in each others arm and the month felt like of June which you know was of December. What next? All the fantasies were there in front of me to fulfill and no one to stop. I asked her to come in my blanket, so she did. I was feeling every bit of her, it was like the best game I had ever played, and you must know that I was a freak for games. We were about to move on with it, where all barriers brake. I leave rest of it to your imagination how I must be feeling at that time. Just then Kangan asked me something. I have already told you that I was best in making excuses in my school. Still I was unable to do the same in answer of her question. I just had to tell a lie, which I have spoken a thousand times at least now, to various girls. But that night in answer of that question I was unable to say anything. I still remember that hardest question till date I have faced in my life, she asked a question which may be every down to earth and simple village girl will ask in exchange of everything she had to give me at that moment. Kanchan asked, " Will you marry me?" I don't know what happened to me I was not able to utter a single word. It was not like impossible to marry her but something inside me knew that it won't be possible as my parents have better dreams for me.Today I have married various times just like that, and those marriages have no meaning as I am no more with those girls but at that moment I was unable to say, Yes, i will. I was unable to lie to that innocence, ready to do whatever I wanted just in exchange of a word, Yes.  I replied, " I have to go to bathroom." She moved aside and I went out of the room. It was chilly out there and after the hot encounter I had, it felt even chillier. I went to bathroom and on return slept beside my father in the room next to the one Kangan was waiting for me, for my answer. Next morning I woke up late,I saw her helping her mother in preparations. I ignored her and joined my friends. Marriage was over, I came back to Ballia, in school, fantasizing about girls with my friends but there was one difference now, I was providing few details which they were shocked to listen and concerned to know how I knew all this. Amit was envy, and best lunchbox was mine now. Kangan got married eventually and is mother of two cute baby girls now, as I use to hear about her time to time from those three relatives who were sleeping between me and her, that night .

1- Childhood experiences, now understood: SWEETY

As a kid I was very active and inactive, earlier at home and later in school. Without telling you much how people used to admire and appreciate my cuteness above par which was entirely an effort of my mother, let's come directly on the experiences I want to tell about. It was year 1989 and I was 3 years old, the only memory I had of that time is how much I got beaten on a childhood offence of touching a girl (a bit privately). The town in which I born is named Baharaich in U.P. Our home was in a government colony with broad green pathways and big trees loaded with fruits. Inside our house which was a large apartment of two bedrooms a guava tree was there which use to be full of guavas all throughout the year and I used to distribute them to my neighbors roaming around in the colony on my bicycle. It was then when I came in contact with the cute girl of shrivastava's family named sweety. She had all the attributes of her name as much I can recollect, she was about my age, having bright soft skin with hazel eyes which always used to be full of water which I liked the most. 
On a rainy day after my daily exercise of distributing guavas we decided to play "Doctor-Doctor", a popular and exciting game for a 3 year old. we had full kit prepared for the game, and after doing all the primary preparations, doctor ( which was me of course) decided to give a dose of anesthesia to the patient (sweety) before operation. With all the power of imagination in me at that time I concluded that it could be given only into bum, as we use to have it often from doctors. So as needed she removed her cute little pink skirt and as I was putting the plastic syringe into her body I felt an unknown charm of touching her skin. It was soft pink and full of little little pores which can be felt easily, may be due to the same excitement she was feeling at that time. We were through it and just then her parents came from market. Although we had already prepared for it that the whole game will be played below her bed, we got exposed. Complaint got lodged to my mom too. As I reached home I got beaten severely for the act. mom tide my both legs and ordered me to walk like it, I wept a lot, frightened that may be they will abandon me now for the act, as she promised. 
This was my first experience of touching a girl, the pleasure in it, the pain afterwards and life moved along. After two years my father got transferred and we moved to my hometown Ballia U.P. I was not by any intention doing anything wrong that day, it was a moment presented before me in which with all innocence possible I was enjoying it. I never felt or nobody, even a famed criminal could feel pleasure in committing any crime for the first time. So even I didn't feel anything at that moment, beside shear pleasure. If it was wrong why I felt good? If not why I got beaten? its still unanswered, and no matter how much we discuss I can't be proved guilty, I was 3 years old that's why it wasn't right, the reason is that it's always right it's just society and it's rules in which we live today have made it wrong, as that society was my mother that day. Today I don't know anything about sweety or her family or even about my home in that colony or what happens to those guavas now. I just remember all of that because of that one moment, that one incident, that one girl, sweety.

love,pain,sex,pleasure and life : my story- 'prologue'

I am sharing my story with you, from today and every day, one chapter of it will be published here on my blog. The reason behind sharing it is an old saying, that pain decreases and pleasure increases by sharing. Its not for everyone, especially, people with socialist and shrewd mentality, its just for a limited audience, people who belong to today's generation of unrest, and rat race runners behind money and love or whatever you name it. after going through this i am sure that today's youth will be able to connect themselves, even if not wholly, but a part of their lives called love.
Although the stories are not completely true, name of the characters are fictitious for the sake of their personal benefits. Name of places are not original. If any resemblance is sought it will be coincidental.
forwarding to you now, in hope that you will enjoy and appreciate it.

-Deepak kr upadhyay (daku)

Absurd Marxist

I thought I am different though,
I belong to society of commons,
Producer of goods and then forming,
Majority of consumers, through our wages.

System has to change, equality will prevail,
Revolution will be brought for change,
Ideologies will be broken and made,
Literature should play its part too.

What should I do? Pronounce it on net?
Or shoot few capitalists i know?
To meet the students and tell my view?
they would follow of course.

Thinking all over it, as I was going for smoke,
Got hit on road by something and died.
I was studying Marx from a week

I was influenced by theories, till this happened.

Standing on the bridge

standing on the bridge

Standing on the bridge

stumbling slowly, up down

reminding me your ridge

at my home, in the town

Lights twinkling, many way

eyes saying; smiling, can't say

lights orange, shining may

your lips red, now all away

Two ends are there, any to choose

many walk them, nothing to loose

i have you only, one way to cruise

none you know can, fit in my shoes

Moon in cloud, can't I see

there it lies, feel it be

like love too hides, in the

and lighting valor, in me

People are fast, few are slow

I am still, and where to go

moves the one, on the toe

river I have, only to row

O! love of mine

O! power divine

where are you now

there have you been

we were together

knows the river

we will be here

loving forever

Once close your bulbs

or on passing by

open your heart

truth you will know

we are together

standing on the bridge.

Composed by me on- 10:00 p.m. 21/1/13 Yamuna Bridge, Allahabad

EVE OF 14th AUGUST 1947...

In evening, I am gazing at the red sky,

When sun is setting and kites are flying high,

There are so many kites here and there,

Just then a very beautiful one appear,

She looks very calm and bright,

Want to gain a little more height.

I told her,

Tomorrow we’ll get independence,

But just then,

I can feel in her a little bit fear,

Another kite of different shades and size,

Coming from the side,

She turns her head,

As she is finding a place to hide,

But this is not battle field,

This is open air, here either you want or not,

Everyone has to show some dare,

By the time they clashed with each other,

And become one,

This is the bloody scene which I feared,

At last it begun,

Sky is getting darker and darker,

With tide between them becoming, harder and harder,

Just then as they detached,

Their tide broke,

And they are going away,

Is this what freedom mean?

Or this is the beginning of finding our right way,

Now the time has come,

To ask immediately I can say,

What is our position in the world?

And where do we stay.

                                           

                

Jordan the casinova "Roxtar"

Just came from the movie "Rock star" and just loved it or may be something even more than it. whole movie is so symbolic of the fact that how whatever is in us can not be shown now cause of SOCIETY. the biggest problem of the generation.... this movie has to be made in India because we people never lived or stayed happy in boundaries... which this society and its concepts of 'right and wrong' has become. truly a masterpiece and preview of forthcoming gen. and its struggle with this scenario.

What a coincidence that yesterday i was wondering for the answer of wrong and right and today i watched the movie which reassured my answer.

" JO BHI MAI KAHNA CHAHUN BARBAD KRE ALFAJ MERE" best lines of the movie and as people didn't got that how big a hit sholay is may they have not understood it today but soon they will. then Ranbir and Jordan will be immortal.... Wait for the next gen.

Right and wrong

Searching through the question of RIGHT AND WRONG, I went to answers which are not visible generally in day light, but still through my learning since childhood I knew that anything can be seen, searched or found when there is light.... i was following the same light for a long time, suddenly my sister and I argued on the same and again I was bound by the question that you are not right and for which I had no answer, cause I have learnt through same learning (which I discussed earlier) that RIGHT is a RIGHT of society only not any individuals'.

so I moved towards the answer again, and luckily it was 3 at night and so there was no light to find it. But still I was moved to core and can't rest without finding it. Thanks to Civil Lines that I got some drinks to make my mind sharp for observing if there is something... suddenly I don't know what came in my mind I started counting people sleeping on road or beside it, as riding on my bike through city. After riding 5 miles I found that 233 people were sleeping and may be living like that for there whole life which I saw in one single night.  asked myself again, WHAT IS RIGHT? can they ask the same? have they got the capability of even questioning at all? it seemed like I found my answer.. RIGHT and wrong are words just necessity of those who have all there other necessities fulfilled, others just live and so do the RIGHT. "I WAS ALSO DOING THE SAME" NOT THINKING ABOUT RIGHT, " JUST LIVING".

Circumstances r never a reason for suicide...

With all the respect for people who may have done or attempted it, I cannot understand that how the person who attempts a suicide is courageous enough to do it because of bad circumstances..
we always need to remember that thousand of people suffer in similar or even worse situation in which we attempt suicide. Somewhere down the line it is our incapability of fight, due to which we do so and when we even forget that people who come out of difficult situations only, can and always become great... but when we find such opportunity then we think about not going for it.
I personally believe that if I'll go for suicide then before that  I'll do thousand of things which are not allowed in society like stealing the car which I cherish, proposing the girl whom I never did because I never had courage for so. F**k the hottest girl I know which I never attempted because I was worried about my social status in this society.... Cause if I am not feared by dying what else I can fear about. At the end of the day I am going to die anyhow.
And I also know that if someone can do above stated things he will never even think about dying, he will use the same courage to fight with worse situations.
FIGHTING FOR LIFE IS MUCH BETTER THAN FIGHTING FOR DEATH