1- Arrangements at fault, love too (Part-1)

“And they are about to be married.” Many of you, after seeing this first sentence can sense that something is going to be wrong here, as it’s the word “marriage” involved. Of course if this comes in end it’s indication of a happy ending. But in the beginning, little strange, and that’s the case here. Still you need not to worry it will not take much time before getting chaotic, but will take some of it.

She was so beautiful that in college days when classes not used to run properly, her friends used to call her for attending college, and it affects not only on attendance of students but even some of the teachers. Well rounded face with glittering dark eyes and hairs to match with it, an absolutely stunning figure, neither skinny nor flabby, seems like a well trained sand artist have given shape to ocean battling sands; which ads some more oohs! And aahs! to Follow.

In a small town, on the outskirts of Uttar Pradesh in 1982, under age marriage was not a big crime as now days, and if it is, then not considered by people. Even in those days glimpses of change in social structure were beginning to appear. For your introduction to the fact, it was not common for boy and girl to meet and see each other before marriage but that’s the case in the story of Shreya and Sahaj. Oh! I am sorry I forgot to introduce you to them; they are those about whom it is.

Their families arranged to see and meet each other, to know each other better before marriage and they saw each other for the first time right then. They merely talked each other; it’s more for comfort of their parents. But even of those in between questions she answered with confidence, in spite of little inherent usual nervousness she had the confidence of being literate. (Rare in that part for a girl to be a graduate what she was going to be.)

All fixed soon and before marriage one day, her mother called her and told only one thing to follow in her new life, “Now you are going to be married and I hope you lead a good life not one as mine, and only reason why I suffered my child is because I had to live on what your father said as you know it better.” With drops at the corner of eyes she continued,“It was not possible in our days to be independent. Before marriage we have to live under the guidance of father and brother and after that under husband. But now scenario is changing and that’s why I wanted you to study. Your sister not took it much seriously but you did and now it’s the hardest time to continue it but I want you to do it and I know you are capable of doing so, and after that you will be something on your own, and then you have not to live under any pressure, this is what I want. This is my wish for you, I don’t want you to bear that same humiliation which I had my child.” By the time she took her in lap soaked with tears.
On the other side family of Sahaj and he himself was very happy. Considering he was going to marry so well cultured, beautiful, and literate girl. Death of his father in early childhood when he was about to appear in board exams stroked his family fiercely. Because he was the only source of money to the family, the strike was both emotionally and economically very hard. Sahaj was dearest son of his father and in spite of being younger son; he bared all the responsibility of his family, of his mother and two brothers, one younger than him and one older. He did everything to feed his family from vegetable selling up to cart pulling. He was very laborious, sincere, innocent and honest from early days of school that’s why everyone liked him and he continued this for most part of his life.

It used to be heavy flood in that part of U.P. and canal of his village used to be in full flow. Sahaj’s school was situated on the other side of canal. He used to cross whole canal just for attending a class, while other friends refused to do so. When his uncle used to drive him to see for his cows, instead of going to school, he always left them in fields and runs away for attending his classes. His friends forced him even for smoking many times but he never followed them. He was favorite student of his teachers too, because with being good in studies he was very good in sports and singing. He even won 1st prize for his school team in singing at district level once. All and all he was the most favorite and dear one of school.

After the death of his father his family went in deep hole, he fought through everything when time was not on their side. He even had no footwear and walked barefooted in the months of May and June. When he walks on the road hot charcoal sticks with his foot, for getting some relief he walks in sand, beside the road, which proves to be even much hotter and so he runs on the road again. This process continues and by seeing so, people use to moan on his helplessness. Often people come forward to give him some money or help which he always refuses with furry.

His self respect not allows him to take anything cause he is ready to see him poor but not as a beggar. Children often wonder that if their mother has a soft and kind nature towards them why their father has a clustered one in comparison, the reason is that for advancement in life and it’s “hard to establish oneself” scenario a male becomes hardcore which reflects on his nature as well. But it’s bit hard to understand for forthcoming generations because in changing scenarios of society and because of economical enrichment, situations are changing and both individuals besides their gender differences living on the same plane, and going through with similar pattern of life.

The marriage got organized on due date and in a simple ceremony they Sahaj and Shreya got married. In that part there was a taboo of not sending the girl with the boy on the day of marriage but after some time, so it happened. After 6 months of marriage they met again for a ceremony, Gawana. Finally He got the right to bring Shreya at her house.

Continue...

"Go through it"

As it is said, best ideas always come in bathroom, same happened with me. As I was on a short trip to home. After a discussion with my parents I thought about freshen up, and right there in that bathroom first time I thought about writing a book and now it’s here. “Everyone’s life is far more interesting than fiction.” Often we hear this but it’s hard to believe, and the problem is about right outlook on our electrifying life. The most important thing we can do about it is to live life happily with a broad vision and slowly but steadily you will see that the story of your life is in the process of making. I am writing these stories for those who live there life in pain, that they are not able to do “this and that” instead of enjoying it, in the fullness. They need to realize and understand that whatever they have done is enough, that’s the best they can do, and next best to do with that to enjoy whatever you have. Just with remembering one thing, if you have not done anything wrong with anyone, nothing wrong others will do with you, and even if they do, you will have a satisfaction that you are not paying back of your in-saneness. 
Forwarding it,

With hope, this will help you doing so.

Someone’s

“Deepak”

A project for you.."I really don't know life at all"

After great love and support shown by my reader's for the short stories of my life, love,pain,sex,pleasure and life : my story. Now I have decided to come up with some more stories. I hope you will show same affection and will enjoy reading them even more.

So see you soon with an all new season of stories, Titled, "I really don't know life at all"

Epilogue- Love remains.

I, first of all would like to thank all of you, who read my stories. I beg your pardon for mistakes I have done and will envisage your appreciation if you like any or all part of my stories.

In the beginning as I had told you that this is true story of my life, similarly now I would like to suggest you that of course these stories are based on true events and connected with those events in such a way that they seem entirely real to you, especially to those who know me personally in a better way, but you got to understand that there is a fine line between fiction and reality. If an artist can not make you believe that the work of art, as, paintings, music, poetry or stories etc. are true then it all appears mechanical. For the sake of creating interest and wonder one got to believe that it's all real and true whatever he or she is experiencing. So did I.

Remember that we are not free till we can not do everything which we want to do in our own way, Society can't provide freedom but similarly it can't bound you, once you rebel.

Thanks again for reading and I hope you will support me for my future endeavors similarly and your love will always be with me, as, at last only love remains.

12- The last love- BHUMIKA (2)

I told them how I was living like a beast feeding on emotions of people. I cried throughout. All the condensed clusters and fog of suppressed pain which I was carrying inside me, in these three years was coming out. In the end I said, I don't know what to do but this is everything I ever felt. I wanted both of them to feel me and the things I had dealt with. I saw that Bhumi was also crying in between by seeing me cry and Roli saying sorry throughout. Sometimes later Bhumi stood up and said that she was leaving as she can't bear anymore, and she left. I said Roli also to leave as I wanted to be alone. As she left I called Bhumi and asked her to come back to me. She returned and we made love to each other, she had eyes full of tears and I had my heart empty from all the feelings after spilling out the pain which was the last feeling occupying my heart.
Few weeks later I kept dating Roli and also stayed in touch with Bhumi. Neither they decided anything nor I was in a situation to do so. I was happy although by the fact that I have spoken truth to them but unknown to the price I was about to pay for this truth.

One day when Roli and I was having a sip of tea at my place when Bhumi called. Roli picked up the phone and started shouting, Why you don't leave us alone and all such crap. I asked her not to say anything to Bhumi or she will be severely hurt which I had done a lot, but I won't accept that someone else hurts her. In spite of that she continued shouting on her. I snatched the phone and threw it away. I asked Roli to leave, right then. I don't want to see you again ever. She said she won't go till I don't tell her that what was going through. I had to choose between her and Bhumi. I replied, Bhumi never asked me to choose. She was with me at the time I was in worst phase and you were the reason of that phase and still I hurt her because of you. Just gate out and never show me your face again. She started begging and crying not to leave her like this. The girl I wanted to spend rest of my life with, from last 8 years was begging me to stay with her. I knew now that it's not the people, it's not their charm, it's not there emotions or feelings or behavior or anything, which makes you love them. It's your care, your feelings and your emotions which pushes you to love that person. My feelings for Roli had died long ago, three years back in those two months of suffering and I was just carrying a dead burden of those feelings on my shoulders. I grabbed her by arm and pushed out of my house. I still cared for her that how bad she must be feeling at that time but not loved her for certain. My love, my Bhumi was hurt and broken, earlier by me and now by Roli.

I wanted to talk to Bhumi but my phone was lost as I threw it away on road from my balcony. I went to search it but all in vain. I went to a telephone booth, asked sorry for whatever Roli said and for my surprise she said, it's o.k. That day I felt the worse in my entire life. I wanted to just grab her and hug her so tightly that no one can take us apart, but it was not possible. I knew I had lost my last love.

It's 2013. I started writing this story because, if you remember, as I had said earlier, I am not very good at making friends. I use to be silent for most of the time everyday. I just wanted to speak. To connect whatever is there in me with you, my readers. There are many things in my life which I could have shared with you, but I wanted to share these stories of my love. In my life by grace of God I have been endowed with every possible happiness, beside one, and that's me keeping my loved ones happy. I always hurt each and everyone who loved me. I don't want to love anyone anymore, just because I know that I'll hurt that person too. I don't even want your sympathies for this, I just want that you read all of this and take care of the fact that, "No matter what comes to your way, no matter what happens and what are the circumstances, never hurt the one you love, let him or her hurt you as much as they can and bear it with a smile, just remember that even if they are hurting you, there love increases with it, and it's always better to get hurt with the person you love rather getting hurt without the one.

Today, I don't have any contact with Roli, I heard from a friend that she got married in May this year. I did not even know the date or day when my dream girl choose someone else for the lifetime. I don't even care.

Today, I talk to Bhumika often, as always she is worried for me that what will happen to me once she will leave me. She is getting married anytime this year. She use to tell me about her about to be husband and I use to give her suggestions on few things, she likes to ask me about her new life and plans. I always use to tell her  that don't worry for me and just be happy in her new life. From bottom of my heart I just want to see her happy, anyhow, anywhere with anyone. I don't want to see her hurt or in pain as she was with me. It's only me, I can accept to hurt her, no one else. I use to remember the one thing Bhumika always used to say to me, 'One day I'll leave you and no matter how much you want, I won't come back to you. I know it now that no matter how much she try, she can't come back. I love her and so I have to leave her.

Today, I am just as alone as I had been from last 15 years. I use to be silent, almost entirely now. It's o.k. I am familiar with this lonesomeness, I have mastered it.

11- Last love- 'Bhumika' (1)

It was February 2011, I was sitting in fresher's function of our college. As I was enjoying curtain raisers, a dance performance got announced. A girl wearing white saree with red border, red kumkum and red bangles appeared on stage. It was hard to tell that weather her face was glowing whiter or her saree, which she was wearing. Red bindi of her forehead was not as red as her lips, that's for sure. Her skin was glowing brighter than the lights on the stage, eyes, light brown were making to feel like ground dusk is appearing in her eyes continuously and one could easily see through her eyes what's there in her heart. Hair, not much long or short but just about the perfect length, smooth like butter and golden, more than gold, were moving so freely here and there that watching them continuously was enough to hypnotize someone. Her dance moves were as mixed up with western and classical as it was hard to concentrate on one quality of her attire. She was about 5'4" but looked much taller than that in saree. The dance in which she was enacting some goddess, even if the goddess could have seen her, once should have thought to acquire her physical form.

I know, I was not supposed to see her like that as a good teacher, but all this moral thoughts about life were long forbidden by me. I solely believed in choice of my heart and authority of my mind, not societies .I was not seeing her as an object of pleasure as I used to do few days back, it was just a moment and in Keats' line, "A thing of beauty is a joy forever." I had seen her even earlier, she was in one of my classes I was teaching at that time, but never like this. She was like totally transformed into someone else. I congratulated her after the  performance, for it. She humbly thanked with a smile. I was unable to stop my urge to talk to her. I called her in evening and she told me that she was going in bus to her hometown. Throughout the journey we talked about things which didn't matter at all at that time, but we talked. In about one week we knew that we couldn't stop this urge to be in touch with each other all the time. This feeling was not new to me but it's revisit was even more thrilling and exciting. During the classes she used to make me laugh by smiling and I mostly used to smile back as I was unable to control once seen her 1000 watt smile. When I didn't smile back, she used to make her face like a monster and tries all the tricks, and after all sits silently with swollen cheeks. By seeing it, I was unable to control anymore and used to smile back. She loved her win at last. After my classes in her class for that semester we started dating and were formally in a relationship. She was a hosteler so she used to spend almost all the weekends with me. One year passed like it and I was very happy by the way things were going. Even my parents met her in one of their visit. She was not of my cast but our dedication to each other never let this creep in as a problem. We were sure that we will be together always, no matter what. Almost whole college knew about us now, but we were unknown and more than that fearless to it.

I was not so sure about our future earlier, as much I became after spending this one year with her. She was so childish and sweet that more than loving her I was worried for her and cared for her a lot. She loved non-veg and I didn't even had an egg throughout my life, still on Sundays to see her happy I always brought it. She was the one who really made me smile, laugh, dream and care for something, again, after years. We were happiest in this whole world, we never wanted anything beside each other, We loved each other like mads, days and nights, without worrying about anything happening outside. In each other's arm it felt like, every second which is passing we could have counted it, and still how hours passed, we were unknown to it. I wrote my first romantic love poem in her arms, I want you to feel all the passion which I had for her in this poem, titled, "May be physical only",-

“She lies very near to me,
Yet had some fear in thee,
Wondering what will I do?
Make her gay or let just woe.”                                                    

“Movement of her glittering lips,
Invited me and then she strips,
Lengthy we meet rarely apart,

And here the worldly love may start.”

“Her hands are slippery over my chest,
Feeling then get I one of the best,
Watching the wonders, never imagined before,
My soul is in heaven and body starts to shore.”                                                   

“Her blossoms are calm,
Like a resting child,
Suddenly as I touched,
They become wild,
I am in her and she stays in me,
Nothing more I wanted,
Nothing more can be.”

 “We meet like sylphs,
And our body gave it berth,
This love gets eternal,
Nowhere else then earth,”                                                            

“Sleeping like an angel,
She looks very bright;
Our love is stable,
Having gained a new height.”

It was not love for the first time, yet it felt like I never felt even half of it all the times earlier. I was getting it now that only physically being with someone and being with someone when you love that one with all the emotions, feeling and love you have, are entirely different things. I never said any lies to her, I had decided that I will be with her with all the truths. After knowing about my past she was little disappointed but soon our feelings which used to cover up all other things got it over and with a promise that we will never lie to each other and will be with each other forever, we were in each others lap again. We had our share of fights too on trivial matters but all that used to lost in front of our love.

Two things we always used to say to each other, She used to say that one day I will go, and you will always miss me but I could not return. And I always told her that people are endowed with power of loving someone only once, I am so lucky that I got this chance twice. 

After Roli, I was shattered and had became a monster, but you saved me from that, now I feel happy to share everything I had with you. All the love left in me, my feelings, emotions everything, just don't ever leave me or I will be left living only with flesh and breath, empty , and my soul will be lost forever this time.

All was going well till May 2012. Biggest turnover in my life started right in this month. On a fine afternoon when I was busy doing my work in college, my phone rang. Hello, the voice wished, I said, hello who's this? You don't even remember my voice now, a girl, in her very sweet voice, asked. I replied, sorry. I am Roli. How are you, I am in Allahabad, I got your number from Facebook. I want to meet you. She was talking continuously but I was lost in time, three years back in my memory lane. Last time I talked her, how I cut the phone, what she did to me, how she lied to me, how she treated me, and  most important of it all, what I became afterwards. Soon I went even back in my memory and then the time we spent together came in my mind. The same voice I used to hear and identify even if I hear it faintly, I was unable to identify it now, even on phone. I want to meet you idiot, I missed you, Suddenly her voice brought me back. Yes why not, when? I asked. She said, whenever you are free. Right now, I told. Right now? but how? where are you? she asked. I said, wherever you are, just tell me, I will reach there.

Here she was. welcoming me outside her hostel. She brought her hand forward and said hi. Instead of shaking hands with her I grabbed her hand and said, you have become thinner, don't you take care of yourself. It was unintentional, but that formality of shaking hands and all appeared useless at that time, I felt like she was with me just last month and I had gone to Dehradun to meet her. Where do you live here? I want to see, she asked breaking chain of my thoughts. Why not, I said. She asked, when? Right now was again my answer.

We were in my room. It felt like the same as we used to be in Hotel Gaurav in Dehradoon. Nothing felt different. She cooked for me for the first time. We eat. Laughed remembering old good times we shared. None of us asked about the way it ended, it not appeared necessary. As I was telling her how my life followed after her, suddenly a tear drop appeared on my cheek, She came close to me and kissed me there, and took me in her arms. We didn't leave each other afterwards, till next morning.

When I woke up and the thought of what I did last night came in my mind, I started feeling a stone on my heart. Burden of it was not letting me breath. I had done it thousand times till now. I had played this love game with a dozen but this time it was different. One was my childhood love and desire of life, Roli, and second was the girl who illuminated the light of happiness again to me, Bhumi. One was my passion and the other was care. I was tangled  I knew I love both of them but it was not possible..

I decided that if I make both of them meet each other and put the truth in front of them, some or other way will come out. I will tell them everything truly and then, will see what happens. I knew it was hard to do but I also knew that truth never goes waste. As I was deciding what to do, Bhumika's name appeared on my phone. I picked up the call. What she told me then, it was hard to believe. She said that her parents had beat her up and she had left her home and will now be with me. I didn't knew what to do and I didn't knew that what I was going to tell her will be the most regretful statement of my life. I told her, Roli is at my room, I can't come there to pick you up, if you want to, you can come. I heard her sobbing. She did not said a single sentence and cut the phone by just saying, o.k. I  instantly felt that I had committed the biggest mistake of my life. A girl who came to me by leaving even her parent's, I denied even to take her up. But I was unable to take my words back. I could give the most precious thing I have, for just one chance to reverse that moment and that day.

After one month Bhumika came to Allahabad spending her holidays. As I had planned earlier, I decided a date for them to meet. When Bhumika came to my room, Roli was already there. They said hi to each other.

We don't know at that time about few moments, that they will be life changing for us later. The same moment was it, which I later understood. We ordered Pizza and our conversation started. I said, you both know the truth and I have brought both of you here because I don't want to suffer anymore in my life. Right then a tear drop rolled on my cheek, As Bhumi tried to come up and wipe that, Roli wiped it with her hanky. A similar drop appeared on Bhumi's cheeks. I wanted to wipe it out but she said, So, continue, what were you saying? I am o.k. and wiped it herself. I continued..

Continue..

10- Game of love- (IKCHA,PARUL,PANKHI,RASHMI AND OTHERS)

From July 2009 to January 2011 I got the best of materialistic life, but from this section of my life I don't consider anything worth mentioning in a form of story , though it was the most happening one. Just because I want to be true with my readers and want to give them a true account of my life step by step, I am mentioning all of it in form of casual details. It's not like this whole time was absolutely, people who love drama, action and tragedy it was the best for them, but I preferred emotions and I was out of it in this period. I also now understood that why people, very busy in earning materialistic life don't feel much. 

After loosing my love of life (As I thought) I was hopeless and faithless at the same time. I had completed my Post Graduation and did not have anything to do or work on. I was never a freak for earning or getting a job. I always believed that I will do something or the other needed to be happy in the given circumstance, and so not ever tried for a job or filled a form even for so. Now I thought to move in from the tragedy I had and to begin with it, I knew I had to socialize. I joined a coaching again (as I had experience that it's one of the cheapest and best to do so) for a computer course of, it's name was Tech up.

Before I start you telling the most villainous story, I want you to get into my mindset that time. I was a boy who was unable to even tell a girl about his love for her, 8 year's back, now the same girl had broken me immensely. I was left alone to suffer for the second consecutive time after being truly involved in both. I was carrying a mentality with me that all this love shit was just a joke and meant only for one thing, Enjoying, till you can, without worrying of other's feeling, and so, I too followed the same path. Just that my way of enjoying became even more critical.

At first while I started taking classes, two girls Ikcha and Aabida came near me. Both of them lasted for a month each and ditched afterwards ( just because the details are minimised don't think that I compromised by leaving anything undone.) In two months the coaching staff found that I am skilled enough to join them as faculty and so I left the course and joined as a faculty there after few interviews. Chances of getting good prospects for my pleasure improved. My  next victim or say love in worldly words was Parul. She was a strange girl, as she was the best faculty present over there by looks and reason for fantasy of many. She did agreed to do everything not just for the upper limit of it, as she believed that it should be for her husband only. Till then the boy with tender heart was completely changed into a monster. I challenged myself to undo her oath and I completed my task soon, but it took a lot of emotional drama, in which I was expert till then. After 6 months she got married and we were apart without even a word of sorry, she was practical as most of the girls of time, I was too, now. 

Next was Pankhi, one of my student, about to my age, who joined me for the spoken classes, which was a part of her ongoing package of courses. On the very first day I was thrilled to see her. Among all the girls I had been ( if you take emotional context out of it), she was the best looking. She belonged to a punjabi family and had all the attributes of it. With 5'6" height, 36-24-36 ( if it can be beaten by any other no. mind that) strong built, wearing mild make-up, strikingly smooth, light brown skin, she looked like a tough competition for anybodies favorite girl. I soon noticed that she was also the talk of the town in there. I instantly used my unbeatable charm and vicious wit to tackle her up and as expected, succeeded. Her amazing charm even blew a fresh air of emotions in me for sometime and again I started to see things about me which I had long lost. We planned for marriage and she made me meet her mother too. I even announced at my home in spite of the cast factor that I will marry her, they were happy and sad both, at the same time. Happy to see me happy  after along time and sad because they knew may be, that what's going to happen in the end. After her one month course and enjoying in all the ways possible to imagine with me, she left for Solan, Himanchal. I was so blinded in her charm that I even took a leave from my work and followed her there and tried to get a job there so that we could spend time together. I reached there in two days by changing a train and two buses and travelling continuously, She came to meet me in a general store and wished me luck for a job and said it's the only hope to continue with her or else she could not make her parents agree. Just listening to these words of her woke me from the dream I was in. I knew she was practically true, but I always preferred emotions. Without even trying for a job I left the place instantly. I returned in three days, travelling continuously again and by changing five buses, Solan to Chandigarh, Chandigarh to Jalandhar, Jalandhar to Delhi, Delhi to Kanpur and Kanpur to Allahabad. For 6 days I had been in buses only for a meeting in a general store which turned out into a cold heart suggestion to me for keeping in touch. I was not broken though, not even hurt, all this I had been through already, so much that I did not even became sad for it even for one day. But it had one effect, it enlarged the monster even more, till now I was only behind fulfilling my pleasures but now this pleasure was no more there and it took it's troll through other's pain. I felt even more brutal and emotionless.

I  left that job on return and took another one in one of the college in city, named V.I.T. This job was better paying and had even more options for fulfilling my craving for pleasure in other's pain. For 6 month's of my joining I just enjoyed the materialistic pleasures but it became unable to stop the monster any longer. I took my first victim there, Rashmi who became a headache while getting rid of, she was too emotional and unacceptable to the fact hat someone can even leave her. After two months she met the same faith as others did. Soon I took another one, Rakhi the most practical one. Just one good bye and she never even bothered to ask why? I liked this attitude of her's that time, wished all could be like that. She lasted for three months, and history repeated itself.

In this period of three years I made out with few others too, some for weeks and few for a month at most. I have nothing to mention about them, beside I had with them just physically, without any emotional attachment.

All this time playing the game of love, I came to know about other prospect of mine. I loved teaching and telling my students what I felt about life and other experiences. I loved the work, so much so that I worked continuously in college timings as no one else did, not even with half of my efforts. Student loved me and I loved them even more as in my (unknown even to me) (painful) lonesomeness they became my prime area of concern. I gave all I had to them and they returned it with all the love they had. In stead of feeding the monster within me I started loving the work I did. Soon the monster started weakening and died sometime later without even me, noticing it. I stopped finding new victims. I was happy again. I was relieved. My student's happiness, there affection to me, there respect to me helped me to become a better person form what I had become. It was three years, in which I made many suffer and suffered even more in the process, but it ended at last. 

It's January of 2011, I started with a new outlook about things I needed, and loved, to do for being happy. I loved to teach and to follow the things I teach to those budding flowers of feelings about life, and how to control these new feelings, in them. To drive all they had into the right direction, I started moving on the right path too. I was happy to be in the position of, not loved by any but liked by many.

Was it possible to continue like this? I wanted to, but was it? Everyone needs someone, only for him or her, sometime. I also needed now. With the death of the monster, I started feeling things again, and with this feeling came the believe that Love is still there, if I am happy after being through all I had, destiny must have had something special for me, I was waiting for that special one now, though unknowingly.

9- I too had a love story, may be - PRIYA (ROLI) (2)

I still remember my first meeting to Roli in Dehradun in October, 2007 . After the evening, I had to drop her to her hostel after meeting in Buddha temple. Her hostel was a few meters walk from the road where Auto dropped us. We walked that road hand in hand, most of the time looking into each other's eyes. I was not comfortable in it as her friends and my cousin was right behind us, then she said to me, Are you afraid of people to know that we love each other? I grabbed her even closer to me and replied, no I was just saving our love from people's evil eyes, it creates bad impact sometime. She said, don't you worry darling, I always wear kaajal, it will not happen. She loved to show it that we were so perfect a couple for each other. She even called me that day to cross in front of her P.G., so that her friends could also see me, I followed and noticed that she was with her friends in balcony of her room, proudly showing me to one of her friend even waved at me and I did the same. But all the time crossing that road in front of her balcony (as I was in love with watching her in balconies) in spite of so many girls to distract, my eyes were glued on her.

In September 2008, probably my 10th visit to Dehradun in one year, I went to meet her. She had taken a P.G. as You know already, by the excuse that we can meet even easily by this, when I reached there, opposite to that happened. She told me that she can't meet in hotel and can not come for the stay as her friends were there in another P.G. and even her room partner, what will she say to them. I was dumbstruck. I went there traveling 20 hours, spending my one month's allowance, and all of it with her acceptance too, just to know that we can't meet like that. Then how will we meet, I asked. She replied, Come to our friend's room and we will enjoy there together. I agreed. I went there and had a good time with them. They were also keen to make me comfortable. On there request I also cooked as Roli had told them that I am good at it. Two days I stayed with those boys and then left for home in a bitter mood.

In few days she told me that she visited with her room partner to those boy's room as all of them were friends and her room partner was girl friend of one of the boy as well. I didn't like it much that she is going on boy's room, but said nothing. I still had that same typical middle class boy mentality, over protective. Soon our talking time also started shrinking, from hours to minutes. She used to spend all the evening with her friends there at that room. This change was not doing any good to me. I knew it was because of her friends. I asked her too, that I use to live alone, please talk to me frequently as I didn't even had any friend in college or else. Actually I never thought beyond her in that one year, but now she was doing. Still, I knew it was my fault that I did not made a life for me here, not her's. It was her exams once when she told me that they were staying at night on those guy's room as they had to do group study. That was it. I was unable to take it any more. I said no, you won't. She asked, why? I replied that I don't think that it was right. She became furious, arguing that I had the same old, cheap, C class, mediocre city mentality. I accepted it and said that you belong to that same city, don't forget. After a long argument, crying and shouting she agreed. It was our first fight in one year. After few days she told me that she  went to there room continuously for last four nights. Now their exams were over and she won't go. I was shocked, for first time in an year I did not talked her for next few days. After a while on her promising that she won't  lie ever in future, I forgive her but I knew that this problem needs a permanent solution.

I went Dehradun again in November. She planned a trip to Masuri with her friends, so that I could understand them better, and this problem ends. Our trip started in bus. She sat beside one of her best friend Manpreet. I need not to say what I felt at that moment. On whole trip she kept talking and roaming around with her friends. They were enjoying. Obviously I did not know about any of them beside her and I was not even interested in knowing any. The trip was meant to be enjoyed with her, which of course not happened. I was not there after traveling 800 miles to go on a trip with unknown guys. I was there for her. In between she also came to me and asked why I am not enjoying? I replied, it's good to see you happy, that's enough. And swear to God it was enough but few incidents soon followed and made all of it worse. 

It was getting very cold, as it was getting darker. I asked her to cover her ears with my scarf or she will get cold, as she was prone to it. She denied to it saying she was liking it that way. A minute later, her friend Manpreet gave her his cap saying the same, and she wore it. I consoled myself, may be she didn't like the scarf. Soon we decided to have ice-cream cones. I took one for all. Girls asked for chocolate flavor, and guys for vanilla. She threw her's soon saying it was yuk. I said, Try mine it's good. She denied to it saying she don't want any now. Manpreet asked her for it in  a while too, Try from mine, it's super tasty. She took his cone. Soon they both licked the same ice cream. She smiled saying, it was really tasty. This time even the flavor was same otherwise I may had consoled myself. I wanted to hit her so hard that all of that ice ream comes out of her mouth. But my upbringing was not so. I wanted to cry, but I was not that weak. That trip proved a total humiliation trip. I told her I want to leave right away. She said that don't create a scene , we will go together, my friends are there. They came to my hotel and dropped me. Roli went with them, bidding bye to me and saying sorry for the next day because she won't be able to come to station, which she used to do all the time when I left. I did not even asked, why not? I said O.K. I went in my room but my head was burning with pain. I took few sleeping pills from a store and slept. Next morning She did not called me as she not even called me last night. I came back to Allahabad.

I asked her on reaching Allahabad, about the whole episode. She replied, sorry I did not noticed, sorry If it hurt you. I asked why you did not come next day to station. She replied, we had to group study for exams. I can't even explain the feeling I had that day even in thousand pages, forget about words. After listening to her casual answers after which she hung up, I was even unable to put my phone down. It was still on my cheek. I wanted to ask why she was doing all that, in such a way. That she even comes to understand all the pain I was bearing, instantly. I thought, is this what we expect from one we love, to know our pain, change it into happiness and to not let it come back ever, she was not even understanding how much pain I was bearing due to her acts. Soon I realized that my phone was not water proof and I put it down.

The gap between us widened day by day. She got busier with her friends. Our daily conversation turned into weekly. We fought a lot. She lied to me a lot. I knew all the time that she was lying. She made all kind of excuses to ignore me, to avoid me. I was just unable to understand that why was she doing it. What happened suddenly that she started behaving like this. One day she told me, " Listen I want to make it clear to you, you helped me a lot in my first year, thank you for that but I am alone here and you are not here all the time to help me, for which I need friends. I can't even live in your boundaries that don't go there at night, don't do this, don't do that. I am fed up of your mediocre mentality. I don't want you anymore in my life" After completing her, she hung up. I was paused again. Last one and half year, Four year's earlier to that, everything was roaming in front of my eyes. Waking up whole nights for her, doing her work in my exams, Waking up every morning to see her first, Spending nearly one lack in my trips to Dehradun, and that too when I was not earning a single pie, Emotions, feelings, our little marriage, those incomparable moments we shared together, all came to this. "I don't want you anymore in my life" her words were echoing in my mind. My mobile was even now on my cheek and not water proof as well, but I forgot to put it down this time.

Next few months passed in Roli's sometimes yes and many a times in no, to rethink on her decision. She was going back to Dehradun from Ballia after Diwali holidays and I caught her in train at Pratapgarh. She was shocked and surprised to see me there. I asked her that why did ,you not ask me to come with you as all the times I used to do. She replied, because I don't want to see you anymore. When T.T. came  I asked him to make a ticket for me as the girl is with me. He asked Roli is he with you? She denied. I asked her not to do it else they will throw me out of the train. She started weeping. I was cornered, T.T. thought I was creating problem for her. Just then she said that yes he is with me. I felt relieved. Next day was my annual exam, still I wanted to go with her to Dehradun. She said no, go and give your exams. It's all good. We will be together. She asked me to return from Lucknow. On lucknow platform she stepped down with me. She hugged me in front of hundred of people, kissed me and said bye, go now. I love you a lot, I can't live without you. She sat in train which started running away. I waved her, she waved me back. I knew it was our last wave. I knew for the last time I was seeing her, I knew all she promised was again one of her lie to just get rid of me at that time. I always knew when she was lying.

I gave my exams, Got 30th ranked in class and just passed. She stopped talking to me at all, I tried everything from begging to talk to me up to blackmailing her but all useless, it took her even far from me. We were perfect couple, we had a perfect love story, we liked each other since childhood, Our cast was same and so there were not much problems if we wanted to marry as our parents knew about us too, we looked fabulous together but it was all waste, in front of just one thing, I was not there always, with her, for everything, as she said. Next two months, May and June of 2009 I lived in my room, all alone, neither talking to anyone nor meeting. I even threw my phone and in spite of continuous request of my parents not kept any number with me. I started drinking and smoking as well, it kept my mind unable from concentrating on, How will I live now? What wrong have I done? We married each other, still she left me, is all this just a joke? I eat Maggie only, for complete two months. After two months, in July I realized that I can't live my whole life like that, I had to move on though there was nothing in front of me to look. All my plans of future were with her only. Still everything started to normalize a bit. time is the greatest healer. I taught myself one thing very clearly, all this love is bull shit, and people just be with someone, till they need them, that continuous need turns into a complicated feeling we term as love. 

I took a new phone and inserted my sim card in it. Many new messages flashed on screen, many of them were her's. Most of them were concerned about my well being. As I was reading through them, my phone rang, it was an unknown number. I picked up, "Hello, how are you? I just got delivery reports of my messages sent to you. Are you o.k.?" I knew the voice. It was the same voice which broke my heart, made me believe that the thing in which I believed the most was just a need. It was the same voice which introduced me to her friends one year back in high tone, the same voice which whispered in my ears in Masuri, don't create a scene here my friends are looking, It was the same voice which said that I don't want you anymore in my life. I replied, " Yes I am good, I tried a lot to hate you, but can not, you know why, because I loved you, and you were the girl I wanted to spend my whole life with." I hung the phone.

8- I too had a love story, may be - PRIYA (ROLI) (1)

One evening I was sitting at Sangam with my cousin. We were enjoying cool rainy breeze. It was August of 2007. I had got admission in U. P.'s most reputed university for study of literature, A.U. For the first time in my life I was thinking of my career and was telling him about my plans of doing a PhD. in literature. While I was busy setting these long term goals, my phone rang. It was an unknown number. I picked up and said hello. Hello, Pahchana? (Identified) reply came from the other side. It was the voice which had been my alarm clock for years, how I could not identify. Hey, Roli, how you called me? Where did you got my number? I asked. She replied that she just arranged. She also said that she called me because she wanted to say sorry for whatever happened back home. I said it's alright, I had forgot it. She told me that she has got admission in Dehradun in Doon college, for bachelor's of physiotherapy course. After a 10 minutes chat or so about her new schedule and habitat she hanged up saying, will be in touch. I was on cloud 9. Again.

Next few weeks passed talking to her about various things. She was in hostel there and I was in mine, both free to talk, mostly we talked about her ragging their because of which she used to weep a lot and I consoled her all the time that it happens everywhere and it's just for your good. Sometimes we talked about our past time and present too. But what about the future which I had planned with her? That too a long time ago. Is it the right time to ask her now? It started haunting my mind soon. I was an expert now with girls or at least I thought so, but I was unable to do it again. That same thought that If she said no then what will happen, started making me nervous. Till now I had got a friend too. It was my cousin, Sannu. We had a gap of just one month in our age. We used to share almost everything between us no matter what, He knew everything about me and Roli too.

It was September last, On my brother's suggestion I text her about my feelings. She called instantly. Started shouting on me, what is it, I never even dream of it, how can you even think of it, mai to aapko Bhaiya kahti thi na (I thought of you like my brother, isn't it?) But  I was smiling, I was happy, first by the fact that at last I said it and second because from my experience till now I had understood that every girl gives thousand excuses for proving that how will it be impossible, only when she has to say 'Yes'. In a way they use to clear their doubts about the boy and future with him, by doing this. After some ifs and buts and a promise that I will marry her, Roli agreed. I was with the girl of my dreams, my childhood crush, my four year's labor and most important of them all, with the girl I wanted to spend rest of my life.

Soon I planned a quick trip to Dehradun to see her. I went there with my cousin, whole time in the Sangam express I was excited about our meeting. Finally we arrived at Dehradun and without searching much got a room too, in Hotel Meedo near railway station. We met for the first time in Buddha Temple of Dehradun. She was with few of her friends. As they saw me it was visible that my charm had it's way through them. A few started flirting with me too, for which I had skillful replies, but not now, not at this moment. I was unable to see anyone beside her. Roli was in bright yellow suit which was complimenting her skin color beautifully. Comparatively cold weather of the area had made her even more bright and fragile. We had a good time there, after which we met in hotel too on the next day. I sent Sannu to market for roaming around, telling her that he had some work. Later I had to pay him for that. We talked a lot, hugged and kissed too. She said, that's all and we will never break this limit. I agreed as even that much was like winning a lottery without even buying a ticket for me.

After my first visit, We chat all the time about it that how magical was our meeting. One month more and I was again in Ddehradun, this time alone and in a better hotel, Moti Mahal. We agreed to take our relationship to the next level, but before marriage it was like a sin to do. I had it's solution too, We married in hotel room, She brought shindur from nearby temple, I arranged a duplicate mangalsutra and a sari. But shit, how will it be possible without Agnee ke sat phere? Smarty brain again had an idea, I turned torchlight of my mobile phone on, and placed it on floor, we took rounds of it for seven time with me pronouncing Mangalam bhagwan vishnu kind of mantras. Soon it was done. Now the main thing for which all this was necessary (that time I did not thought so, it's now that my mind is corrupted.) For the first time I did it with the girl I was in love, and instantly I knew the difference. I was king of the world now. For next two days we had nothing to do beside one thing. On my way back to Allahabad I was barely standing as aftereffects.

For next one year everything went along perfect. I passed with 3rd position in my class in spite of a visit per month to Dehradun. I had identified a best hotel in town in my budget, Hotel Gaurav, they kept a room book for us at the end of every month. We met in Ballia too, in holi. I called her when my parents were out and it was the best holi of my life and that too without playing any. I couldn't even had asked much than that from God even if I had. I was so indulged in it that I barely thought of anything else. From that little money I used to get I manged to save enough for my tickets and stay for 2-3 days there, with all other expenses every month. I never became that much managing with money ever, afterwards.

She too passed her first year and decided to shift in P.G. which was the first thing in this one year, I was against of. I told her that there were many problems in it, which I was dealing with daily, and I don't want you to suffer the same. She denied all, and one day told me that she shifted. I was furious, without even telling me, how can you do that? She said I did it only for us, so that we can meet even more easily. It calmed me down. Argument was over and we were soon in each other's arm, imagining.

Continue...

7- There is no hero in this story- (AARTI & GROUP)

If you are thinking that I am writing all this to prove that how much I had been molested and suffered through people's hand or to justify myself by any means or proving myself even a good person, soon you got to change your views about all this. You can consider me a villain too. But my one and only aim here is to write all of my experiences truly, to make you understand how life treats an individual since it's childhood, and makes him/her wise and fool about things. It's not an individual who is at wrong or right it's his or her circumstances forcing to do what he/she does.

I gave my final exams for 3rd year graduation and was completely idle now. Though I had accepted that Ashiya was no more there to connect, the habit of talking on phone for hours and hours to her was killing me. I was used to live alone and not to see or talk for hours to anyone as you know, but earlier. Past few months in Allahabad were so active, full of fun, pain, pleasure love and lust that this lonesomeness was killing me. There was nothing now, not even that wait on my window on which I spent hours. Our new home was a two bedroom apartment with no windows to open on any of the road, though it was near to our previous house.

In our coaching there were few other ones of our group who were in contact with me. Aarti was one of that. She was short height, slim, average looking girl. I never noticed her individually, beside the fact that she used to provide her scooty for few of our rides, on request by Ashiya. She was of jolly nature and above par caring, which I realized, as she began talking to me a bit after that whole Ashiya episode. She used to tell me that Ashiya had links with few other boys too, on listening of which I scolded her once ( I still remembered the way Ashiya had said I love you and will never forget you, on that ricksaw that day). But soon I understood that what Aarti was saying could be true, even though that not changed my belief that Aashiya loved me, may be just for things I did, and more than that for things I didn't. In spite of all these wise thoughts I was unable to stop condemning myself for the fact that why I left anything to do at all, I should have done that, 'THAT'.

I was 21 years old now,a feeling entirely unknown and new was creeping in. The physical one. May be it was also after effects of denying the offer earlier. Everything was making me sick, somehow or the other. In the meantime, Aarti and me came closer, one of the main reason for which was, those lengthy conversations on phone, in which she used to sympathies me a lot. It was soothing and relaxing that someone cares for you and what you feel. Another reason was that on phone you can't see the person you are talking to. Aarti was a jolly girl and she had told me that she had a boyfriend. They were apart now but she still missed the boy who was muslim and because of which her srivastava family was unable to accept it.

I planned a visit soon to Allahabad for obvious reasons. I called Aarti one day, to meet and talk when no one was there beside my younger cousin at my uncle's home. Everyone else was on a trip for attending a marriage, given that I take care of my cousin and house. I was free to meet anyone and do anything. Aarti came and we were chatting on various things during which both of us realized something, can't tell today what was that, but that was something. She was looking average as always, still good enough. I asked my cousin to go market and bring some vegetables so that Aarti can make food for us which he followed. As soon as he was out of the house I grabbed Aarti. I was not in love with her, she knew that. I knew that too. And we did it. It was the same boy remember, who denied doing it just on a question that weather I ll marry the girl, denied again to one as it not seemed safe, Unable to propose a girl he loved passionately. Anyway, I was relaxed instantly, unknown to how it worked. 

She also introduced me to some of her friends. Reeti and Savita, among whom I remember. I had grown in confidence about my charm and ability, to impress anyone through it till then. Aarti was friend with both these girls for 15 years since her school days. One day when I was trying to make her understand that It's easy to fall in love with me for her as I am capable of making anyone do so with my charm and cleaver talks she challenged me that if I Made her friends fall for me she will never question my abilities and will not blame me for not loving her, as she does to me. I accepted, and it took 2 months after which both the girls accepted my proposal. That too in spite of knowing that I was also involved with their other two friends. They stopped talking to each other. Believe me I am not boasting here which it seems like, it actually happened which even I was doubtful of. Aarti accepted her defeat soon. There 15 years friendship was no match for my tricks.

I came back Ballia soon. Aarti kept talking to me and saying that she loved me. I told her that we had no future as our casts are different and more than that I never loved her. She asked once then why I did that day? I had no answers. She cut her wrist once and was admitted in hospital, tried to convince me of her love by trying to give away her life if I won't accept. Still I knew I won't be able to love her. All this suicide stuff not changed my view, other than about one thing , I started feeling guilty of what happened that day. The same Aarti who was soothing because she felt my pain earlier was entirely unknown to it now. I was doomed again and lost. That guilt that I did wrong with her, as she said, was with me for a long time. I blamed myself many a times for everything bad happened to me because of that incident. She agreed that we will be friends always and kept trying to convince me for her love too. Often she blamed me and said that I won't be happy ever as I was the first with whom she did it and the last. She won't marry now and will condemn me too, for it. Still we were friends.

Up to 2010 December, I and Aarti was in contact till that day when she called me and said, "Deepak I don't blame you for anything. I know you feel guilty for that always, but you should not. It was not the first time for me. I lied to you. I always want to see you happy. I am getting married." I was stunned. That guilt I blamed for four years was just a lie. Still composed myself. I replied, " Thank's yaar. You are an angel, I am quite relieved now. Congratulations for your marriage" She thanked and hung up. I smirked, she not knew how many such guilts I had till then.

I appeared in exams for Masters with English Literature in University of Allahabad. First time in my life I studied hard, for it's preparations. Just 15 days of study and I got selected for admission. I left Ballia. Took a room in Allahabad. A new phase of my life was about to start. I knew now, people are not as they appear. You even can't understand anyone, as they also keep changing with time. Your own feelings about things change, which even you, yourself can't understand, forget justifying them. I was mastering in behaving with people according to them, changing myself altogether. It was becoming another of my tool to impress. I was growing wise, deprived of love, with which my heart was full for anyone to take. I wanted to love someone and to be loved. True love.

6- Ricksaw: ASHIYA (2)

I gave her my skillfully filled up slam book and the one I had bought too. She smiled first by seeing that I had a new slam book which she must have understood that I took just for her to fill. She took that and kept both of it in her bag without saying anything. I asked her, "Don't you want to read it?" She replied, "Later." That day was hardest to pass and I was eagerly waiting for the next day to take mine back. Actually I had given few hints in few columns that  I like her in her slam book, and what will she reply thought, was haunting me. Next day I just came to know that she had not filled mine till now. All my excitement shifted to the next day. After 4 days she returned me my slam book. It's first page was filled with glittering words and in a writing which even could have made calligraphers look dwarf. It took a long pause before I started reading. I am mentioning here few columns as they still read in my slam book the same-
I would like to go on a date with- A true boy
One thing missing in my life- A boyfriend
I like you because you are- Having a bundle of qualities like, Smart, Stylish, Sincere, Saline, Sane and last but not the least, "SENSATIONAL PERSONALITY"
I read last lines dozen times and was thinking to myself, is it? Do I really have such qualities? I thanked my parents for endowing me with such charm. Right then I noticed that after few pages there was a letter. A love poem was written on it. Now what? I didn't attach any such letter while I gave her her's. Shit. No problem. I was again on the book store and this time a letter pad was in my list. We started giving each other a letter everyday, on which, few poetical lines were written. All of her lines used to be copy but I always wrote mine, my own lines in a form of reply to one's she used to give. She was totally impressed now, I knew that. Still it was Deepak kumar upadhyay, who did not proposed a girl for 4 years in-spite of the confirmation of acceptance. 

Now only one month was left for our course to complete. We had stopped attending classes. We were even limited now to a group of 6. Two boys and four girls. The other boy of our group left because I had won and he understood that he got no chance with Ashiya. Girls left seeing that both the boys are already engaged so there is nothing left. ( It's also possible that they left because they were unable to bunk daily like us. O.K. jokes apart)

One day, we were sitting at Saraswati Ghat below new bridge, I still remember the date by chance, It was 28th August 2005 and surely every word she said. She asked, "Deepak, do you like me?" I replied, " Of course." She said again, " But I love you." " Me too", I replied. I never understood, and I think I won't be able to understand it ever, that why it needs to be said?Beside just move it to next level which is physical of course. If two people like each other they know it all the time that whom they like, and who liked them. Still, we live in a society in which these are unsaid rules. 

I was happy, next one month passed like a dream. We both bought two brand new Reliance phones for being online 24*7. In September last that year, once I saw how much time I had spent on phone it was showing- Dialed calls- 480 hours. Received- 5 hours. Calculate it then minus it from hours in a month and add hours we spent in coaching. We were almost in touch all the time in that month. No matter it was day or night, even that we are talking or not, phone had to be online. Sleeping, breathing, coughing, snoring, everything was part of our conversations for that month. Biggest problem, that phone disconnects every one hour. If it happens and next call not comes within a minute I was dead. You slept while talking to me na? I am so boring na? All these questions had to be answered.

After meeting in coaching at 5, we used to take a ricksaw in which we roamed round and round of whole city. Allahabad had nothing to visit of special quality, as it is a city made for students historically, not for love birds. Still we managed, sometime in parks like Bharadwaj, S.G. etc. and few times at sangam, our favorite spot. Still the best time was that ricksaw ride. When hiring a ricksaw I had to take  great care that it had to have a good little covering in front so that we can hide ourselves sitting tall in back, and no body can see us while kissing each other. 
All this time I was unable to forget Roli too, whom you must remember. Often she came in my mind, Still don't know what was there in Ashiya's company, I used to forget everything beside her. We visited almost all the places possible for spending time. Watched 3 or 4 films too, every week, not the blockbusters but the flop ones. We used to kiss each other for hours continuously with only breaks for breathing, without being exhausted at all. Many a times we planned to meet somewhere where we can meet, sit and obviously can take the next step which was necessary may be to take now. Hotels, Friend's rooms etc.  all kind of options she gave but I denied all of them adjudging them too risky. At that time I was just happy in whatever I had. Anyway, anyhow it not became possible for us to meet like that and our coaching came to an end.

On farewell day we didn't have any courage to go for classes and collect our cerificate as we had not attended any classes in last one month. We took a ricksaw and asked him to go Sangam. We discussed everything that how will we meet now and how we will be in touch. She promised that nothing's gonna change because of our separation, beside we will just meet a bit less than we used to do. We hugged each other for the first time that day. I was aware of people staring at us but noticed that she was totally unaware and unconcerned of it with eyes closed on my back. At last she left in that same ricksaw for her home and I was standing right there on the ghat of sangam. She was going away as fast as sun was setting and just then my phone rang. It was showing Ashiya calling. I took it, and she said, "I love you and I can never forget you." I put it down and started running. After running a mile I caught her. Stopped ricksaw and said to her, I love you too, even I can't forget you."

I came back Ballia and she went to her hometown Kanpur. We used to talk often on phone but not that frequently. We also planned to visit Allahabad soon, together, so that we can meet. 

One day she shocked me telling that we can't talk now for a month as she was suffering from a minor brain tumor and had to go a major surgery for which she was going to U.S. I was unable to utter a single word. I said o.k. and she put the phone down after promising that she will call later on returning back. Few months passed, Her number was switched off all this time, soon I got busy in my final exams of graduation. 

An year after I came to know from one of my coaching friend that she met Ashiya in his college where he was doing M.B.A. in Lucknow. I asked him to give her my number and ask her to talk me. Next day he told me that she denied knowing either him or me. I was not much shocked this time. Till now I had got that she lied to me about her illness too.

The boy who was unable to tell a girl that he loved her for years, proposed by a girl later, loved, promised and ditched by the same, was learning slowly the means and methods of his society, to which he was till now secluded by the cushion of his parents and lonesomeness. That day and today, I never heard about Ashiya, nothing. I never even blamed her for anything, just made myself understand that our short little one month's journey was similar to those " Ricksaw rides" we used to take. A ricksaw puller pulls all the way through to your destination with full effort, may be even talking to you, but neither he can see your face nor you. Once you leave a ricksaw, next time neither he can tell that who was his customer, nor you can tell that this was the ricksaw puller that day in that little journey.

5- Ricksaw: ASHIYA (1)

Other than few trips with my family on vacations and few to my aunt in Kolkata, I had been entirely in Ballia. Though Allahabad was not some out of the world experience but for someone who had only seen girls in the street with their guardians to accompany, it was a new experience altogether to see girls riding Scotties or even walking freely in streets. 

Now on this point those who are following my stories must be wondering that, had I not any other work beside thinking about girls at that time? In all the stories there is a girl and I am mostly only talking about them too, why? I would like to tell you that there were many things, like my career, family, sports and else which I had to worry about, but if you will follow closely any individual's life today either in student life or in working, prior to marriage ( in some cases even after) a prime objective in everyone's life is having a happy relationship. In spite of all cries of corruption and poverty you can't deny the fact that like all other major economies of the day and their history, our country is also undergoing a vast social change. Our youth have no goals to achieve, they have made this an aim of their own. Two things are very important for youth to make their mind for getting something, first it should bring a personal change to the way they live and second it should be hard to do. For example few decades back, youth had an aim to get freedom as we all know. Bhagat singh, Azaad and many more not even gave a second thought to give their lives to achieve it. Of course with all due respect to them I am not comparing that with running behind girls or boys, but we have to understand the basic working ideology behind it. They did that because they found themselves in a circumstance where they have to do it, which everyone was so mad to do. They got an ideology from their surrounding friends and public of that time who were dying for the cause, which will elevate living of the masses of the country, it was best to do at that time and also the hardest, so they did. Today their is nothing in front of our youth generation to do which can bring such revolutionary change. They are supported with a well settled economic stature of their family. But they are youth and they got to do something which is socially active and challenging at the same time, the answer is getting the best and happiest relationship among all. Boys see that opportunity in their girl friends and girls smarter and one step ahead than boys, search for it in the perfect marriage. We can discuss it any further we  like but this universal phenomena inherent in genes cat't be denied altogether. That's why I also have decided only to share only about this part of my life so that it follows the main concern of today's youth and so they feel interested about it.

I was thrilled by this new surrounding of mine and was finding a way to stay there for some time beside my short trip. Soon I got an excuse. My school was an Hindi medium C.B.S.E. board school (very rare to find one) because of which my English was very bad. As I was getting my graduate degree from English literature and had plans for keeping the same subject for my masters and further as well, I had to had good command over English for which I joined a spoken course in a nearby coaching named B.S.L. I would love to share the philosophy behind following English as a career option here. I was no good in science, and in spite of completing my Intermediate degree from Science I had best marks in English and Hindi. Right then I decided that I had to study literature and humanity, as science never even attracted me as a subject. Novels, stories and poems were only content of my reading time, which was of course very little.

I stayed at my uncle's home in railway colony civil lines, from where my coaching was a k.m. away. It was a three month's course and for that much time I was destined to enjoy this newly found charm of mine. I bought a new bicycle with all the sporty handlebar and gears in it. Though I had preferred to bring my bike from home but due to little allowance I had, in which petrol cost could not be added (later it proved as an added benefit) I couldn't. The time for my batch was 5:30 to 8:30 in evening. One month passed, for the first time in my life I had made few friends on my own without getting bullied. We were a batch of 60 boys and 10 girls. Our own little group had all ten girls and 3 boys. We three boys were also a reason of envy for the others because we had occupied all the girls. Among all ten of them, one got engaged as soon as the coaching started with one of the boy of our group. 9 were left now, In which there was that one girl, with strikingly beautiful black hair which she of course used to maintain a lot. She was best of the bunch as per my liking. You should also understand here that I was a small town boy, from a boys school, never attended his college beside exams and most important failed to express his love to a girl in four years. All in all entirely unknown to girls, and miles away from understanding anything about them. We were group of three boys from which one was engaged already, but the other one was free and interested in the same girl with long black skillfully maintained hair. Her name was Ashiya. She use to wear suits of contrast colors stitched to perfectly fit in her 34-29-36 figure. In that one month I never saw her repeating the same suit again as I was waiting for it to happen. She was second best in answering the questions asked during teachings, in group discussions and conversation classes, after me. I was amazed by the elevation in my stature as student here as I was one of the worse in my school. My decision of choosing English was strengthened. This first and second position which we acquired, created a bit of chemistry between us. We use to talk after classes about casual things. 
One day when she gave me her 'Slam Book' to fill. 'Slam Book', I was unknown entirely to it. As soon as I reached home I opened it and soon realized that I had to fill my Bio-data in it. Working whole night for filling mere two pages I was excited to give it back to her. Suddenly a thought came in my mind. I will give it back to her, but what next? Should I not give her a slam book of mine to fill too? I went to market and bought one, the best looking one, with most details, and considerably costliest.

Continue..

4- The balcony girl: PRIYA (ROLI) (2)

It didn't took me much to realize that it was not willingly that she called me that, it was just the primary etiquette which she had to follow. She was 2 years younger than me and not supposed to call me by the name because of which she had to give me that due respect. But only I was able to feel at that time that, how getting respect can also be painful. I went in her balcony and picked up the call which was a wrong call, searching some other Deepak. 

In-spite of calling me 'Bhaiya' all the time, she had started talking to me once in a while now. I was admitted in Bachelor of Arts in a nearby college, in which there was no criteria of attendance, and so I never troubled myself to attend any of the classes ever. She was my full time study now, beside playing cricket or watching movies for whole day. I had watched nearly all the movies till then, available in market, either of Bollywood or Hollywood.  In day time she used to go to school and my parents go to there respective jobs. I used to be alone, wondering in my mind about the strategies, how will I play in today's match or how will I be able to tell her what I feel. I was used to this loneliness for quite some time now. Every day was a same story. You already know that I had left the bully gang earlier, so there were even no friends to accompany, and I was not even good at making new friends. Till now I had developed a habit of being silent for 10 to 12 hours continuous at home. Talking much, about things not of anybody's concern is a prerequisite for making new friends, which was of course miles away from me because of my daily routine. I was developing from a cute, naughty, cheater, liar child into a lonesome, sporty, introvert, and hiding his love to himself type of boy.

It was 2005, It's been four years and anyhow I had managed to convince my parents to stay in that house. She was in 12th board and I was doing well by one month's study before exam, in my bachelor's degree. She came to me one day with her practical assignments and asked me to draw the figures, as the next day was her practical exams and her file was not complete. My art was good but the figures I drew that night, for which I even got scolded by papa because next day it was my exam too, were the best I have ever drawn. In the morning she took it and was very happy to see it, sure of that she will get full marks for it. I smiled too.

There was another incident to mention for must. I never used to hide anything from my parents. As I was short of friends they fulfilled that department. They knew about my feelings for her too. One night when I was sneaking from my window my mother came to me and grabbed my hand, took me to her stairs and said, "come on I'll take you to her parents and if you are so desperate it's not a problem, I will talk to her parents if you don't have courage and we will arrange a marriage for you as they are also of the same caste and a well to do family, they won't have any problem in it." I was shocked to listen mom, probably in her age she was tired to see me from last 4 years following a girl but not saying anything to her and may be because they were not able to change that house was also adding to it. I said, "No" and we came back.

It was not like I never tried to tell Roli how I felt. many a times I called her on her land line but when she picks up and says hello, all my preparations and plans used to fail. Face to face chat was impossible because whenever she used to come in front of me, my habit of being silent reach on it's peak. Everything was rolling smoothly like this, till that day.

In February of 2005 Roli's younger brother ran away from home as he was angry because of something. Her parents were worried. They had sent many in search of him but all in vein, no one was able to find him. Roli called me on my number (till then I had my mobile phone) and told everything. I took my bike and went straight in the field where we use to play cricket. I knew somehow that I will find her brother there, and so it happened. I brought him back after making him understand that every one was so worried and everything will be alright if he returns. His parents were very happy to see him and her tears of sorrow also got replaced by smile. Her parents were thanking me big time unknown to it that I had my reward already in her smile. Then I noticed that in that mob which was gathered, there were few boys who were her brother's friend. They were staring at her which I didn't like and commanded her to go upstairs which she followed unconditionally. I didn't know why I did that and why she followed it but there was that thing, unknown, unanswered. It was one of those little incidents which had a life changing capacity but you don't know about it then.

Few days later her brother called me and said that some of his friends want to meet me as they want a cricket match with us. I went to the place of meeting with him which was near a masque and surrounded by dozen of streets from all sides. As I reached to the place I saw that there were at least 20 boys in a hall. they came to me and dragged me from my bike.I understood what's gonna be next because I had fought many street fights like this and had arranged many settings like this for many, when I was a part of our bully gang. I just covered my head with my hand and soon I was on ground they were hitting me from every corner. Few on my legs, few in stomach, and many on my face and head. After 10 minutes or so they stopped and left her brother too whom they had covered not to interrupt in. He was aghast, saying sorry to me continuously and that, he was unknown to whatever they had planned. when I stood up I identified one of the boy who was present on that day when I said go upstairs to Roli. I went close to him and asked, " Why?" He replied, " keep away from her." I took my bike and came back home thinking what to do now. I had plenty in mind who on just one word will come with me to do the same with each one of them involved in this. But it was related to her. Did she knew it? Did she talk to that boy? and many more things were there in mind. I went in front of mirror and saw that my face was swollen and my back was full with footprints of shoes. I knew that I can't hide it from mom and so happened. When she returned home at night I told her everything. She told papa and he went to her house straight after listening all of it. I was hearing that he was shouting at her father that to take control of his girl and boys. Which kind of parents they are that their children plan conspiracies against others. It went along for half an hour. Then he came to me and asked that which place was it where it all happened. I told him and he went away. After to days I came to know that they had the same what they did to me. each one of them asked sorry to papa for what they did. Papa told me later that their leader was saying just one thing, "your boy is made of something else. we beat him so much but he asked only one thing instead of crying or abusing or doing anything is that, Why you are doing this, and he was shocked by it at that time." All this was forgotten in few days and we stopped talking to each other, even our parents stopped. In few months Roli passed her 12th examination and got full marks in her biology practicals. I also moved into last year of my graduation. But biggest thing which happened was that we left that house and moved few streets right to that road. Everything was over but still it use to come often in my mind that was he, her boyfriend? Did she talked to him? But now may be all this was useless.

I was not feeling good there. So my parents decided to send me to Allahabad for my further studies. In Summer of 2005 I came to Allahabad and joined a coaching to improve my English. Those footprints from my back were no more visible now but that print of her dark black hair which converts into brown after drying up, that touch of her soft white fingers when she was giving me that biology practical file and those tears which were soaked into smile when she saw her brother, were impossible to erase from my memory. I had it decided, I will spend my lifetime with her.